speed dating

pre-text: 'love' in our generation

muse: jb

hello how are you
my name is Florence
shake my hand and yes, you can hold on to it
kiss me quick
passionate sighs and heavy breathing
your hands all over me and mine over you
now we are naked and vulnerable
and we become one in passion and desire
then reality hits us like a boomerang
what just happened, we ask
it is not a one night stand because i do like you
but guess what, we do not have any more time on our hands
no time to figure each other out
you head your way while i stumble along my way
you see, we only had time for our actions to speak for us.

a slap in the face

pre-text: wrote this after i got slapped in the face by my dad. not something i am too proud of but it happened. and it happened when i was at this point in my life where i couldn't really care less for anything.

muse: daddy

a slap in the face
and not a drop of tear
the sudden swoop on my face stings
my ears, i hear them ring
but i almost welcome the numbing pain
gives me an excuse to cry a pouring rain
standing in front of you, i just don't know what to do
i can hear your boiling blood pumping through you
i feel breathless as you heave
you ask me the same old questions, i only want to leave
so i don't have another person to answer to
cause you and me makes two
i smoke and i drink and i swear
i push you to your limits as much as i dare
maybe i am just testing your patience and maybe your love
because i got fucked so bad, everything's a blur
can't find no answers to nothing, i turn to distractions
self aware of my ways of self destruction
i ride on the fleeting highs
in hope to counterbalance the lows in my mind
no it does not do me good in the long run
but it was never my goal to be a nun
i indulge in the vices whilst i long for something sturdy, steadfast and strong
something you have been offering me all along
yet i pull out and push you away
give up on me, that is all i can say
let me dwell in my bottomless hole, grapple with my issues
and fight my own demons because now i don't need you

selfish bitch

pre-text: some version of obsessive love.now that i read it, it scares even me.

muse: sda

i pull you in so close to me
and it almost feels victorious
you make me feel so complete that I fall apart within
and I drag you down with me
you say we make each other weak
i say together we are strong
my hidden fears and insecurities act up and you feel bad for me and with me
your secret glorious past puts you on a pedestal so high i cannot reach
you and i do nothing but still hurt each other’s soft spots
but it is the very fact you hurt me this way that
i think i love you
you know why i hurt and how i hurt
and you try everything to make me feel secure
maybe i just want to remember you for all you are
to hold on how you make me feel when you are gone
yes i am a selfish and almost manipulative bitch
and i wonder how you can want me, or even love me
i suppose i want you to feel me with all my intensity
so you will not ever forget me, i want to be your only
special and great one

yes I am a selfish and manipulative bitch

nomad

pre-text: written after self-realization that i am constantly leaving...people that i love, for short or long periods of time. esp. after i left sg for usa. guess it can apply to those who travel around...or leave their home country to find a 'second home' only to leave it again to go somewhere else...constantly on the move.

muse: me

A nomad
That is me
I come and go
And I say goodbye
It hurts to know nothing is forever anymore
That I cannot be with everyone at the same time
I don’t want to go
Leaving one place to go some other place
Only to leave again
I am not strong enough to keep on saying bye
Just when I am detached and cold
People warm up to me and touch my heart
And then it hurts me all over again
To say goodbye
It could be a “see you later”
But things will never be the same
Change, which is what this, is all about.
I can never deal with change.
I just want things to be like before.
I do not want to be a nomad.

only so much

pre-text: built-up frustration of loving or caring about someone who doesn't appreciate the simple fact you are always around for them.

muse:( i'm sure it is some undeserving...) boy

you live your life
and fill me in once in a while
you chase your crazy dreams
and i bring out the pom-poms
you smile and laugh, you are happy
and i feel for you, with you
you cry and kick and scream
and i sit faithfully by you, being your silent strength

i try to make you see how i feel
and you just brush me aside
i give you my all and build my world around you
and you prance within, in your own bubble
i promise you i will always be yours
and you use me like a safety net
i offer you my love
and you patronize me sufficiently

only so much
only this much
i can give to you
and you do not even know

my needs

pre-text: written during a dark time...putting someone above yourself ALL the time can honestly drain you dry of life.

muse: sda
i am empty inside now
given you all that i have and all that i haven't got
part of me wishes there was more that i could offer
but part of me knows that you ain't worth it
it is not because i no longer love you
i love you i really do
but i have to stop now and put my needs before yours
you are used to my unconditional giving and loving
so much that you expect it from me unconsciously
and this is not what i want
i am only human and i am selfish
i want to feel the way i make you feel
that you can count me to be around, to be dependent on me
to know the love i have for you is constant and true
i want to feel that way
but you aren't doing it for me, not anymore
so i got to go
i rather be alone and open to happiness
than shut in a world of weakness with you

a hug

pre-text: don't remember who or why i wrote it for. but i like it nevertheless!

muse: someone that i've hugged


a hug
is not like a kiss
not at all invasive
a hug
is not like sex
not always intimate

a hug
breaks down barriers of space and feelings
a hug
speaks for itself
a hug says
i am your friend
a hug says
i have you and you have me
a hug says
you can cry on my shoulder
a hug says
you can let it all out, but i am not letting you go
a hug says
i am here, i will always be here
a hug says
i embrace you for you, all of you
a hug says
feel my energy flow from me to you
a hug says
i may not be be able to protect you always, but i will still try
a hug says
i see past all of you and i still love you

and right now
all i need is such
a hug

fairy tales

pre-text: met my friend of 10, 11 years...and we reminisced about the good ol' days. he reminded me of things i've forgotten about..things that made me laugh then and now.

muse: ac

silly catching games and name-callings
weightless laughs and free flowing tears
simple thinking and petty quarrels
friendships though seemingly fickle, stood the test of time
fairytales provided a rough map of our life

then we grew
in height and weight
in mind and body
we grew up

now we play games of all sorts
the game of life and love
where winning is everything and losing hurts
names we call people are no longer for fun
laughs are heavy with past baggage
executed with care and caution
tears come more easily now
thinking and rationale and logic and mindset and perspective
complicated and twisted and less clean than before
friendships forged now are indeed fickle

looking for directions in life
we look at the map we have
and realised they sold us lives we can never have
but we were children then, you see.

nobody's dreamgirl

pre-text: got to be one of my personal favorites, only maybe because i still feel like that...sometimes. okay okay, most of the time. written when i was a teenage girl, guess old issues never go away eh?

muse: myself and the other girls around me

doe-eyed, long silky hair
wears skirts, dresses
baby dresses
soft-spoken, shy and coy
innocent, demure, sweet
can cook, and maybe sew
giggles, with dimples
simple and loyal
does well in school, has a well-planned future
never drinks or smokes
virgin, never goes all the way
skinny waist, flawless skin
fair, shoulder bone protruding
tiny hands,tiny feet
smells good 24/7
plays the piano or netball or dance ballet
next door neighbour
good enough for mummy's little boy


and then there is
me

Bad complexion, limp fine hair
wears jeans, skimply little tops
anything revealing
too lazy to put on makeup
way too loud and obnoxious
sit with my legs open
like my mind
direct, curt and vulgar
drinks to get drunk
smokes to vent or get high or to be cool or spiteful
i holler when i laugh
complicated, too many self-inflicted issues
big feet in need of pedicure
ugly hands, bitten fingernails
slacks through school, constantly searching for a dream or future
don't do sports or music or arts
fat in all the wrong places
hangs out with too many boys
sex is just another activity now
not bad enough to be a bad girl

and that is me
nobody's dreamgirl

burn

pre-text: i felt angry inside with someone, for claiming to care about me and doing things that made me upset. one of life's many ironies i suppose.

muse: (i think it was...) jcjw

u make me burn inside
with every single thing you say or do
a concoction of anger and jealousy and disgust
consciously or not
you add fuel to the fire within me
each raging emotion scalds me
i erupt and blow up in your face
blow things out of proportion
blow whatever we got going on
and the eerie silence follows
you and i rush to put out the fire in me
stamp it dead wash it out wrap it up
in desperate consolation and semi-sincere apologies

but in actual fact i can extinguish the fire on my own
the very burning sensation that causes pain
now stimulates tears that nourish the growth of scars

a****

pre-text: i met this friend of mine after almost 10 years...he's all grown up and 'made something of himself' but i still see him as the boy i knew when i was 12.

muse: ac

what has it been?
almost a decade or so
and you tell me you never knew me
i just keep quiet
to me, you are still the boy i once knew
the very first boy i ever liked, and maybe loved
puppy love, is that what they call it?
you have grown up to be a fine young man now
but i still see the kid in you
your face barely changed
you are almost an instinct within me
i cannot just axe you out of my life
you come naturally to me
funny how we never had a picture together
nothing at all to document our relationship
if you want to call what we had that
faded vague memories and nostalgic laughs
are the only things we share
guess we have own lives now
own baggages that weigh us down
seeing you reminds me of the good old times
when we put our all and never thought to hold back
and life was simple and clean
constant is change yet some things never change
and they are a very few selected things
inside i feel somewhat the same, for you
but im wise enough to know the feeling is not mutual
we really grew up, you see.

eyes of green

pre-text: i looked so hard into someone's eyes to notice this.

muse: sda

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i look into your eyes and
i get lost in you
all of you

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i feel safe and vulnerable
all at the same time
when i look into your eyes

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i look into your eyes
i feel all of you in me and i cry
then i cannot see your eyes of green anymore

b***

pre-text: written for this aussie boy i met in sg for a brief period of time. nothing deep but it still meant something.

muse: b

i felt you the moment i saw you
you are so free and burdenless
all that i used to be
i let myself go in your presence and find myself again
you hold me close and i inhale all of you
then i smell of you and that keeps me going
when im not around you
i think we both know we only have now
and that is probably all we will ever have
no deep talk of shit, just plain indulgence in the moment
you show me what it is to not question
happiness or passion
to grab whatever is offered and savor it
i know i am going to miss you like fuck
this intense yet simple relationship
is something i will hold onto for a long time.

wave after wave

pre-text: this quote "expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr" inspired this. someone was flaunting his happiness in front of me and i got pissed.

muse: jcjw

i hate to see your mouth move
and hear the words that you spit out
so freely so blatantly
direct and sharp to my face
through my heart and into my soul

one word answers i give
you come back wave after wave
i take it all in stride
and act all happy
a puppet for your manipulation

if you want your happiness with her
why bother to share your bitterness with me
bad shit happens to good people its true
i give u all i have it is not good enough
you come back

wave after wave

i understand

pre-text: i think i wrote this for someone..and now that i think about, it can apply to people i have loved.

muse:all i have loved, boys and friends.

excuses and issues, history and sob stories, and reasons
you name it all
to justify your actions and convince yourself it is alright
make yourself feel a little better
and that you have every right to be the way you are

then there is me
i accept all that you give to me
your good and all your bad
i take it all in my stride
and tell you that i understand

i know where you are coming from, where you have been
i know how confused you are but you pretend you are in control
i know your actions and your words do not always mean the same thing
i know i can only do so much for you
i know i understand but i can never empathise with you

the bible says love is patient and love never ends
i love you and i am patient with you and i love you to no ends
but this is not about me it is about you
go on doing what you do i will go on loving you
but i will never feel with you

stuck

pre-text: yet another creation of my "dry" season

muse: people that bugged me when i was feeling already ugh inside

the candle's blown out before the wax has even melted
i sit alone again in my space
questions swirling all around in my head again
like dust particles that never settle, they drift about
never can make anyone or everyone happy
so i lived in my skin and maybe then i could smile
one by one they came and one by one they left
too much for one too little for the other
what is there left within for myself
nothing is ever enough
my love my tears my efforts my everything
i give and give and you just take and take
and we both still end up dissatisfied
maybe I need someone to focus on
or someone to pull my strings, be their puppet
do not want to go on slamming myself
have to point the finger of blame away from me
only defeat with every single thing i do or do not do
know not what else to do
hope is symptom of despair
i will live in my skin, i will rock my body in solitude
I will sit alone again in my space
let someone come to me instead for a change
then the candle may burn longer, or at least brighter.

photos

pre-text: i was clearing through photos one day, and some of them brought on good memories. in fact, all of them did. but they were only in those moments. reality captured then and the one that we are experiencing at the moment may not always coincide.

muse: pictures of friends and family

thrashed in some box or
hidden in some obscurity
photos lie patiently
to be picked up and given attention
tears may drop
fingers rubbing hard against the colored paper
as if hoping for magic to happen
to bring life to memory
smiles captured living in the moment
relationships once before now broken
places changed like people
friends grew up and apart
childhood pets dead and living now in heaven
feelings fizzled
photos: physical embodiment of memories
embrace the time gone by
with a smile, be it nostalgic
and still
a tear may drop.

look at me

pre-text: i wrote this on my 21st birthday.

muse: myself

Look at me mummy, I am a woman now
Look at me daddy, I am not your little girl anymore
Look at me world, I am an adult.
Look at me.

Appear to be something I am not
Still trying to be who I want to be
Not knowing how to get there
Unsure of what I am now
Pretending to have some degree of control

Look at me for who I am
Look at me, look at who I was
Look at me for who I will become
Look at me.

layered

pre-text: written when i was getting to know someone, and falling in love with him. in not so favourable conditions

muse: sda

every time I think I got you all figured out
you spin another layer around yourself
and I am back at square one
wondering if this is going to be a lose-lose situation
why should I bother if I will never ever win
i understand that you are you, your own person
that is what I love about you
all those issues that you hide, all those feelings that I dig up from you
can I just accept you for what you have to offer me
at the expense of my ultimate happiness
sometimes I think I can, then I think deeper and darker
and push all your buttons and force you out of your limits and over the edge
i shoot myself in the foot and then bitch about getting nowhere
maybe if i should give it some time, but time is a luxury that we both cannot afford
i think i should let you unravel yourself to me when you deem fit
and all i can do now is embrace you for your true self and your layers.

drunk

pre-text: written during my "dry" season, after many nights of drinking...this must have churned out with my hangover hanging over in my head.

muse: too drunk then to rem

i never cry when im drunk
i get happy
but last night, i just fell apart
all these questions that i will never find answers to
answers that i need from you
i am giving up on that already
i have turned to demanding explanations
from people around me, friends who have not deserted me
at least they can offer some form of reason
or some comfort or solace
i am that desperate right about now
i take whatever anyone has to offer
i get whatever life throws in my face
i know that no matter how far in life i go, how far away i am
i will always have this void within me, forever empty
and i guess i will have to deal with it

i cried last night when i was drunk
i will try to get happy
again

familiar stranger

pre-text: written a while back for someone i got to know online

muse: tbv

you leave me lower and lower each time
deserting someone should be a crime
no one drives me like you do
at times i feel you know me through and through
then you twirl the frays in my mind
like the mute directing the blind
we are headed nowhere, just circles round and round
i reach such a high with you, and it is you who bring me down
mind games are part of the conspiracy
you triumph over me, for you it is easy
gave up trying to figure you out
i never find any answers or reason or explanation, just create more doubts
giving of oneself is exalted
but i do not know what to give to you, i am faulted
i have not seen you face to face
you run your own race, and I find my own way out of the maze
\suppose all that i can want from you is to be constant
since between us, there will always be some form of distance
do not ask anything of me, i will not expect anything from you
just come to me as you are, that is all you have to do
i embrace you for whatever you give
maybe one day, you might stay and not leave.

where

pre-text: just a question i have been asking for some time now.

muse: sda

where are you
the you i used to know and fell in love with
where am i
the me you used to love

Call the Man by ShunDeng

NOTE: He ripped from me, so I am ripping from him! (He even ripped my signature "pre-text" and "muse") Well, I am pretty impressed with his writing!

pre-text: You know.. Everytime an appliance breaks down, or the electrical box has a problem.. We just sae," Call the man lar", very dismissively... But when a friendship, a relationship, a love breaks down... Don't we wish could just say the same? "Call the man lar"..

muse: Everyone... who is had, or is having problems.. with frens, spouses, gf/bf...

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees
I close my eyes
I remember
When your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care

Call the man
He's needed here
Needed in the chaos and confusion
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall
Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine

Now the future isn't clear

Call the man
He's needed here

i want someone

pre-text: just a wish-list of what i want in a bf. i want all of that, yet i want him still. greedy greedy me.

muse: sda

i want someone:

who will answer the phone after two rings
who will talk to me late into the night and still call me the minute he wakes up in the morning
who will kiss me even though he is just walking down the hall
who will hold me when i feel cold inside and outside
who will let me clean my nose on his sleeve after i am done crying on his shoulder
who will put me first, or at least before him
who will think of me when he sees something he knows i will like
who will thank me for loving him unconditionally
who will not take me for granted, assuming i will always be around
who will call just to tell me he is thinking about me
who will go out of his way to surprise me
who will overlook my flaws and embrace my strengths
who will understand my issues and insecurities and love me anyway
who will say things honestly and truthfully to me...but with utmost sensitivity
who will carry me when my spririt's tired of what this world has to offer
who will hug me from the back to surprise me, and make me feel loved
who will work as hard as i do to keep things going
who will always be around for me, no matter what

i want someone like that
but at the end of it all
i want you.

brick

pre-text: i really reached the stage of "bo wei kong".to have someone that you are so loyal to, someone you offer only your best to...question your sincerity and love truly hurts. now it's hard for me to do anything for him without wondering if he would doubt my intentions. sigh.

muse: sda

removed the bricks one by one
layer after layer i peeled away
exposing the real honest me inside
thinking you would love me anyway
instead you take jabs at my naked self
and expect me to stand there with no defenses
beg me not to put the bricks up and wall you out
you question my love you question my intentions
you doubt the element of me
can't you see by now that all i've given you, all i've offered to you
is simply me
what am i to do now?
the bricks are going back up again
this time to wall myself in.