I need your wanting.

pre-text: When physical intimacy tempts you with the possibility of an emotional connection.

muse: AS

From the get-go I should have left
You alone
The way you moved those hips
Only hinted at what I was to lust after
“I kinda like you” you said time and time again
In that strangely sexy drunken breath
How much sober truth is that?
You got the right parts good and the wrong parts down pat
I should have stayed away I tried to let you go
But you kept coming back
You found your way back to me in the crowd
And your hands found their way around me
The words you said I wanted to hear
I wished they were honest and true
And then I could let my heart melt freely
Your lips on mine
Needy and wanting
You bite, I thought only I did
The passion you have I can reciprocate
But I got ahead of myself and gave in to you
Even in the dark, I feel your skin shimmer
The same smooth tan all over you
It is like God sculpted you and dipped you whole in cáffe
I could not keep my hands off you
And you would not let go off me in your sleep
I laid on your peachfuzzed-covered chest
Thump, thump, thump your heartbeat goes
No usual two-step beat
I have been here before
And I know better to not make the same mistake twice
But you pull me into you when I crawl back into our makeshift lovenest
I let myself go, if only for a while
“You are comfortable” you said
“You are comforting” I thought
Sex is not love, they say
Affection and intimacy is not connection, I have learned
I know that I am just another girl
And that was just another night
For me you aroused everything that I was fighting against
I gave in to the temptation of him disguised as you
My head said No, my body said Yes
And my soul said Maybe.
I thought I could play this game of two
Except I do not play by the rules
Still I want a rematch
Because like you said “I kinda like you”.

Love Letter to my Morning Coffee

pre-text: Just a literal interpretation of something visceral

muse: Gloria Jean's Cafe Mocha

As I cup you tightly in my hands
I hold you snug and close to me
Like you are the only thing that has ever mattered
You wake me up to life
And I'm reduced to a child- like gratefulness each morning
The heat permeates through the cup
Warm and fuzzy
From my hands to my heart
I lower my nose down for a gentle yet deep breath
And then I go "ahhh", letting go all the troubles I've yet to accumulate
This intimate ritual is my personal morning therapy
To start me off right
My quivering lip lowers down to taste you
Anticipation builds every time as if we were meeting for the first time
Will you burn me? Or will you be bold and strong? Maybe you will kill me with your sweetness
And then we finally come together and as I swallow cautiously
I feel you down my throat and then all throughout my being
You return the favor, you envelope me whole in your flavor
Every cell in my body feels like it is should: content
And then all is right with the world, and life.

My group of friends called Grief.

pre-text: A self-reflexive look at the different stages of grief. Knowing and acknowledging each one is the first step. As losses accumulate, the physical and tangible losses evolve into the loss of something deeper and intangible.

muse: for those who have lost someone or something. or simply hope.

Oh Denial, you are my SOS
The first one on the scene when shit hits the fan
I can count on you for support
You are always on my side
Seeing things the way I do from where we stand

Bargaining, there you stand
At the corner of False Hope and Reality
Sometimes we win together
Most of the time, I end up losing
You are a tough sell, a big deal of nothing

Anger, you and me can take on the world
It's us against them, we are invincible
I got your back and you got mine
Alone I am passively stewing inside, together we are explosive
We are on the same team in the blame game

Debbie downer is your nickname, Depression
The sound of your name compresses my being,squeezing the life out of my life
You get easier to deal with each time, I must say
Familiarity does not breed contempt
But ease and comfort

Acceptance, I am serious about you but you treat me as a fling
Our time together is real and genuine, and always too brief
Just when I think we are ready to take it to the next level
You leave me and I go sleep with Anger,Depression and Denial, and sometimes Bargaining.
It's a one-sided love affair that's bittersweet at best

Closure is not something to seek
But the close circle of friends I call Grief
Who enclose me within as I sit on this rollercoaster ride called Life
As I go up and down, round and round until it is a big blur
I am grateful for these friends, they have practically become family.

seasons of life

pre-text: the only thing that catches up with age is age itself and the inevitable aches and pain. bodily aches and emotional pain. seeing that the body does not last forever, the notion of seeking something greater than the materials of life while maintaining the health and well-being of body, mind and soul is repeatedly drummed.

muse: family and friends

i do not recall very much of Spring
sometimes i feel its vitality, a sudden surge in my veins
the smells were fresh and untainted
colors bright and vivid, like a lucid dream
and the lightness of being, ah the lightness

Summer came, and was gone too soon
busy living in the moments
to think of what was to come
when i look back at the snapshots in my mind
i say " wasn't this yesterday?"

Fall has arrived, the leaves are falling and I fall into the limbo
stuck in between the peak and the bottom
it is time for one last hurrah
remember to live now in the now
for it slips too quickly into the past, and the future is catching up

the silent falling of snow softens the harshness of Winter cold
we shiver within as we crave the warmth of body and soul
thinking back, we did as good as we could
for it is too late to right the wrongs
and right about time to move on and along.

untitled

pre-text: for the moments when you think you were emotionally in the clear, and then you go crashing down into that deep dark pit. all over again.

muse: those who have gone

crazy young loves have drained me of passion
the song that plays on the radio
shakes my soul within
do i slip into your consciousness like a old habit
the butterflies have eloped with the dragonflies
they knew better they saw it coming
but we stayed
you went along your way and i on mine
but the world is not big enough for me to lose you
you crawl out of the crevices of my mind
and i want to lose my head

my heaven

pre-text: i am not sure when i wrote this....i came across this scribbled on a Travelodge memo stashed in my memos..

muse: must be on a plane..or on a trip

heaven is above the the clouds
when the sun shines steadily
it casts an orange glow
on all the cottonballs
some big, others small
some thin and wisp
some full and hearty
the sun is on its own horizon
setting on a thin wafer-like cloud
i want to bounce from one cloud to the other
and not fall to earth
play like an angel
without a care in the world
and then i do
the sun's lost and i am fumbling
tossed head over heels
my arms are flailing and my legs are out of control
caught in a aero-wave
i come crashing down to earth
will i die?
maybe if i die, i can go to heaven again
for a joyride

rational fall

pre-text: yes you can fall in love...but after falling and getting your heart broken repeatedly, you learn how to fall. in life, you fall forward with your hands stretched out or backwards on your butt. they call it protective extension. in love, you fall with...logic and rationality. either way, you fall.

muse: pl

you were foreign to me
invading my space
breaking down my walls
i forgot how it feels
to be suffocated
by passion and desire
i lived from hour to hour
mile to mile
now i long to be close to you
your warmth melts away my fears
i want you so close i feel your blood throbbing
maybe then your goodness will rub off on me too
i am learning still to let you in
and keep you in my life
so let me be where you are
whenever the moon and sun change their shifts

thoughts

pre-text: it's been a while..and these were old random thoughts that still come to mind from time to time.

muse: good old experiences

squeeze the clouds, wring them dry
hold on tight to your dreams before they fly away
our clocks chime in sync
but never at the same time
like line dancing we learn steps to the song of life
only to have it change when we get it down
answering questions and questioning answers
round and round till it loses all meaning to question
honesty does not stab you in the back
but shoots you in the foot and leaves you stranded with the truth
keep on smiling keep on trudging keep on searching
end up settling for entities of happiness
love is unconditional dependent of worthiness
sell forever in units of diamonds
the sun shines down upon us all
but it feels hotter here than there
you get greedy when you want
bigger, faster, better, more
you get content when you want what you need and nothing else
you get sad when you do not know what you want at all
secrets do not keep you secure in the inner circle
they trap you in guilt and paranoia
sometimes is always this time
and you wonder why
hanging onto that one person
only to have them hung up on someone else
between layers of clouds, time almost seems to slow down
limbo in a world beyond description
night has not fallen, the sun has not risen
the world just keeps on spinning.