asleep

pre-text: always felt like that when i slept beside someone that i loved. its a feeling that i never could really capture, a mix of amazement and ...fear.

muse: hk and sda


carefully peel away all your layers,
emotions like masks remove them one by one
and strip down to your bare skin

you must be tired from dancing to the tune of life,
exhausted all outlets to be something for someone else
so retire into a world where only you matter

breathe in slowly, softly and oh so silently,
then exhale all the pentup frustrations within
your heart feels lighter already

just staring at you almost makes me cry
you are so beautiful,
so beautiful i shake to feel you

vulnerable and fragile,
i am afraid to shatter you
and the dreams that you are chasing

so i let you lie beside me
and fall asleep in your arms,
hoping you will watch me when you wake.

it really does not matter

pre-text: death appears to have to exist to juxtapose (big word from jc days that i must be spelling wrongly) life. balance, and you yin- and- yang concept.

muse: pk and bambi and those who left before me.


in the end, it really does not matter.

all the annoying things that you do
all the mean and thoughtless words that you say
all the promises broken over and over again
all the lies you told, white or plain
all the calls you wanted to make and never did
all the things you held back because of your pride
all the finger pointing and blame shifting
all the small issues that you exagerrate

all of these unneccessary routines in life
it really does not matter, when you are dead.

fall 2005

pre-text: for two significant beings in my life...who up and left...without giving me a chance to say a real goodbye.

muse: pk and bambi


Fall doesn’t come till late September
The leaves are still green
And the sun is shining in its brightest glory
One last stretch for the summer
But you left early.

Fall doesn’t come till late September
No tinge of yellow yet.
No crunching of dried up leaves.
And no last goodbye.
You left.

he came

pre-text: seems like the last few poems are all about death. death literally and death metaphorically. death, dying...constantly happening around us. or me that for matter. i am almost numb from the pain, or loss. or maybe i am in denial...i don't know. detached might just be the word.

muse: bambi my baby

He came to you
Without invitation without warning
Did you want to go with him?
Were you forced? Or simply too tired to fight him?

The world is so very small but I am so far away from you
To touch you one last time
To whisper quietly all the things I have yet to say
To let my useless tears fall upon you

You left without saying goodbye
To me
You left without letting me say goodbye
To you

Am I angry? Yes
Am I regretting? Yes
Am I confused? Yes
And most of all, I am helpless.

He came
To relieve you of your pain
And to remind me to live my life
Before he comes for me.

dead in my life

pre-text: written after a painful break up. thinking about the end of a r/s as a death...and losing my precious bambi...this one seems fit.

muse: jnp

it's been so long now
and i am still mourning the loss
of you

you died
in my life

no more laughs
only memories that hurt
no more tears
only tears of grief i cry
no more us together
only faded pictures to call my own
no more talking about our life as one
only shattered dreams
no
more "i love you forever"s
only my love forever

you died
in my life

except you are living
in your own life now
and
i still can't accept that
you died

in my life

loser

pre-text: written a long while back...but it seems like this 'situation' still holds true. games are not all that fun when you lose. for those who play games with your partner, and end up losing both the game and your loved one.

muse: jnp

i let you go
then I wanted you back
you came back
and met me half way
I wanted it all, like before
Ping-Pong game

I called you but you did not pick up
I wrote but you never replied
I cried but you never cared
I apologized but you never forgave
Squash game

It has all along been about me
What I wanted, what I needed
I never wanted to play games with you
Cause I know I will lose
And I did

I lost you.