inaction

pre-text: i was on the receiving end of someone who did not respond, and i myself did not respond when someone reached out to me. the act of inaction is still a form of action.

muse: cv and ng

sometimes inaction speaks louder than words
for inaction can be indifferent
it can be laziness
it can be avoidance
it can be negligence
it can be not making onto the list of priorities

sometimes inaction speaks louder than words
for inaction takes discipline
it takes control
it takes holding back
it takes letting go
it takes knowing actions do not always matter

sometimes inaction speaks louder than words
for inaction may mean giving up
it may not matter anymore
it did before but not now
it was spoken for by actions and words before
it is silent now

inaction, it is your move now.

two minutes

pre-text: one of those rare ones you meet for the first time and yet in a split second, something within your soul leaps in excitement, maybe even recognition.

muse: cv

when i was searching for you and you found me
you leapt up to come greet me
i never realized someone could be so happy to see me
you trusted my food and drink choices
and indulged my crazy ficklemindedness
ending up in one bar after changing my mind 3 times in less than 15 minutes
entertaining my hotdog straw idea
for that mustard whiskey drink
and sharing my bowl of Angel Share
i told you i could drink on par with you
you are a good cuddly snuggler
and you did not snore!
thank you for being accomodating with my inability to tolerate 16C
and warming me up with your hugs
i am sorry the room was stuffy with no daylight or windows
i hope it wasn't too claustrophobic
being in there with me
it was easy being with you
so many times it was like you read my mind
i'll miss that left eye wink of yours
like i said, God is fair
your one good eye sees the things both my eyes always seem to miss
i loved rubbing your unshaven chin
and stroking that dog-like matted hair of yours
but mostly the way you chuckled when you laughed
don't be anxious about your anxieties
you can Lifeproof your gadgets but not your life
just do your best as a Vest
And if i don't see you in another part of this world
i wish you a (very) happy ending
in Life
Oh, and one more thing
take two minutes once in a while
to think of me
i hope that will make you smile

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my (broken) heart

pre-text: that lil tattoo was to remind me to carry the ones i love in my heart always wherever i go. who'd knew it will teach me that to carry the ones i love in my heart always wherever they go.

muse: e.e cummings

e.e cummings got it right
before i did
way before i knew i could
carrying love is a lighter burden
compared to hate
not that i could ever hate you
it is the cross i chose to carry

like an old injury that acts up when it gets cold and wet
i soothe the ache with a smile of memories of us
a tear may form, it may even fall
but the ache becomes more familiar each time
that ball in my throat becomes easier to swallow
the moment passes and i am present again

my heart may be broken
by a thousand shatters into million of pieces
but each time, it comes back together, bigger and stronger
held together by all the love
all the love that is gone
but never lost

it is tougher, stronger
open, raw and devastatingly ugly
yet remains quiet and obscure
aged by hurt, pain and forgiveness
cured by compassion
and underlined by understanding

my broken heart is not in pieces
it's held together by overflowing love
of all the loves that are lost 

the birthdays you do not celebrate

pre-text: not every friend gets to celebrate the birthdays we do or hit the milestones in Life, but yet they've lived more fully than we ever could.

muse: jpl, pk and xcf

the first reaction is always What
then How amd Why
but Why cannot seem to make sense
just like the When is never a good time
explanations and consolations
are unacceptable
they make rational sense
emotional sense even
but they are incomprehensible
i search for meaning
the light in the void you leave
"at least she went with her whole family"
"his heart could have given up way earlier"
"he was doing what he loved most when he went...traveling"
am i the only one who focuses on the irrelevant
maybe i am that half-empty glass person
i think about our last conversations
about boys, about love and about life
the little details, the inconsequentials
now are remnants of what I grasp unto
your last thoughts
were you scared? were you panicking?
were you in pain? did you suffer a long time before you were gone?
what about your family?
the ones you loved? the ones who loved you?
the ones who loves you but you never knew?
how are they holding up?
who am i to be so devastated, who am i to be so dramatic
i am just a friend
a friend who has survived you
someone who gets to live her life
celebrate birthdays you will never have
make wishes for things that probably won't come true
who am i to deserve this all
i tell myself each time
to take better care of myself
of the people around me
to be kinder to family, friends and strangers
to show the ones i love that i do
to let the the ones who love me know that i know
it should not take death to remind me to do this
abrupt endings to jolt me to kick start my living 
it should not take your death to remind me to live now
my heart suffers a daily dull ache
but on days like these, the ache cannot be assuaged
i don't need consolation, i am nobody to ask for it
nothing no one can say i have not said before
or have told myself to hold back the tears
i have played the different characters on this stage of life now
taking on the role
of sinner and saint, of the weak and strong
the meek and the powerful
the lover and the cheater, the lover and unloved
somehow this always throws a wrench
makes me want to run in the middle of it all
ramble a soliloquy, raise my over-poured glass of wine
a make a toast to life and living
proclaim my love and gratitude
to confess my secret sins, my dirty thoughts
lay my worst fears all out for the world to see
and hope they would love me for me nevertheless
because you taught me to that love is not meant to be quiet
or hidden
that you never know if you are holding unto a ticking bomb inside you
that life is not meant to be living on other's terms
your presence in my life i shall not let it go to waste
your absence in my life i shall fill it up
by channeling what you would have done, what you were doing
i will remember your smile, the twinkle in your eye
the laughs we shared together, the moments we briefly shared
how you made me feel, not everyone can do that
you are a loss to those who did not know you
and for those who were privileged to know you
we are indeed the luckier ones

t- 24 hours

pre-text: when you connect with a stranger much quicker in less than 24 hours than with friends you've known for years. the streets of Hanoi will forever be romantic to me.

muse: pb

You made my heart skip a beat
When you appeared right in front of me
The urge to hug you was instinctive
But I held back
Unsure if you (still) felt the same way
Once your hands touched my hip
Everything fell in place
Everything became alright
And then you leaned in to kiss me
I was not ready so I turned
And again when you kissed me
I kissed back
But I held back
Because I know I would not be able to hold myself back
Walking the streets in your arms
I have not felt so happy in so long
The hours are always ticking by with us
One of us leaves and the other left behind
I huddle closer and cuddle you tighter
Pushing my face into the nook of your neck
I feel you throb against my lip
I breathe in your essence so I will remember you
Your smell, your skin and your warmth
I run my fingers on your face
So I don't suffocate on kissing your lips
Your lips they are so soft and gentle and kind
And when you smiled while kissing me
I felt as beautiful as you said I was
At the end you told me you'll miss me
And I kept silent
I've missed you since I first met you
But such intensity is not a burden everyone can bear
I would never put it on you
The best memories are never captured in photos
But in moments, in songs
In the way the street light shines
And the smell in the air
Our love affair always had an expiration hour
Which made each minute and second all that sweet
I long for the next time I get to kiss those lips again
It may never happen again
But I will have the memory of you always

No Last Words

pre-text: When no words is more than enough words.

muse: WJ

With no last words

Our arrangement of non-arrangement ended

They say you cannot lose something you never owned

I say you cannot lose something you cannot win

Because you never had love for me to win

Just affection and attention

Still I lost

Bits of myself along the way

All the parts of me that I was proud of

You were too

Because your arm was around my waist

And all eyes were on you and me

Alone with you

I saw slithers of vulnerabilities

Even in the dark

I felt your unwillingness in the moments of silence

No, I would never blame you

The habit of being alone is a hard one to break

I understand more than you know

And honesty is sometimes a cruel policy

Thank you for enforcing it on me

I will miss you

Probably more than I will know

But I will not miss the feelings each time you left

Or turned away from me

And maybe you will miss me, maybe you won’t

I will never know

We never had a photo together

It is just as well

You are forever etched in my memory

I will think of you and my heart will ache

But still I will smile

For now, I must go

I have to break my heart before you do

jagged edges

pre-text: written for someone who came with declared baggage. i should have ran off, instead i ran forward embracing it. it was then i realized like no one can unpack someone else' s baggage for them.

muse: JP

come here, come into me
take refuge in my arms
come into me
no, your jagged edges don't hurt
look, i have them too
you've been shattered again and again
i know, i know
hush my darling, i know
sometimes even a simple memory can cause a quiver
you shake with fear from within
always thinking the last one was the worst
and you survived
we're survivors, darling, we are
broken, smashed and torn apart repeatedly in ways we didn't know a heart could be destroyed
but look at us now
my uneven edges matches yours
the jutting corners don't prick, poke or hurt
and no, i am not the jigsaw puzzle piece missing from your big picture
our hearts had to be broken over and over again to come together to be whole again

sinterklaas

pre-text: wrote this for someone who celebrated Sinterklaas...tried to write it in the form of AABB with a couple of Dutch words sprinkled in. 

muse: MB

Sinterklaas is happy that you made it back home in time
I suppose I am the only one who thinks it is a crime
Since you did not give me your address to send you a cadeau
This gedicht will just have to do

On the road for months and months
All that freedom, all that fun
Did you find all that you were looking for
All the world has to offer, and still there is more

Hopefully all the people you met along the way
Learned you something that would always stay
Memories need not always be captured in pictures
But stored in the heart and mind, there they are permanent fixtures

I do not need to look at the photos we took
To remember how your beautiful your soul looks
From the first time your blue eyes looked over at me from across the boat
Feelings I have drowned deep inside came afloat

We do not need words, for looking into each other’s eyes is enough
You made me smile from within and when I cried you still managed to make me laugh
I felt your passion for life and love in every moment we touched
Kissing you, hugging you and sporting with you…I miss it all so much

But at las, reality with its responsibilities slapped us both in the face
Holland or Singapore, we are running the same rat race
Distance is just another hurdle, a big raised hump
Question is: will you jump if I jump?

So what is the plan, what now… after the 41-year plan
I guess the only way is to leave it in God’s hands
For now, we shall strive to be just friends
But who is to know, we may have our 4 kids in the end

No worries, ik still hou van jou
Even though you are a “poor farmer” that milks cows
I only hope this gedicht makes it in time for pakjes avond
And makes you have a warm feeling inside your heart and all around

mix tape

pre-text: I wish mixed tapes were still around and acceptable in this day and age to give to someone...as a gift of thought and heart. Often times, old songs have new meaning and stronger emotional connections when you meet that special someone. So much can be said in those songs, without saying anything at all.

muse: DL 

i would love to make you a mix tape
but i am scared of smothering you with cheesiness
i would love to make you a mix tape
then i do not have spell out the words i want to say
i would love to make you a mix tape
the songs can sing for me
i would love to make you a mix tape
so i do not have to see your face when you listen to it

i would love to make you a mix tape
created just for you, only from me
i would love to make you a mix tape
for it tells a story
i would love to make you a mix tape
because each song says something about me to you
i would love to make you a mix tape
i pick each song with my heart
i would love to make you a mix tape
and i want you to listen with your heart
i would love to make you a mix tape
because you cannot skip songs ahead
i would love to make you a mix tape
but you can rewind to your favorite one
i would love to make you a mix tape
so you could listen when you miss me

i would love to make you a mix tape
something about the careless airs of those teenage years
i would love to make you a mix tape
the antiquity of it makes it oh so romantic, and silly
i would love to make you a mix tape
because what it says is more than the sum of the songs
i would love to make you a mix tape
it is a compilation of poetry in melody

i would love to make you a mix tape
i would love to make you a mix tape i would love to make you a mix tape
i would love to make you a mix tape
i would love to make you a mix tape i would love to make you a mix tape
i would love to make (mix) love to you like an ape (tape)
i would love to make you a mix tape
i would love to make you a mix tap i would love to make you a mix tape

(mix tapes skip)

time

pre-text: this concept of time being this entity that is monitoring our lives...and how we struggle with what to do with it and how to use it.

muse: too much time on my hands 

time has grown old
waiting for me to figure out
who i am, what i want,
what i am, who i want

time has grown weary
watching me learn lessons
that i ought to know
things I should have gotten by now

time has grown tired
hearing me say i am here in the here and now
that i will not rendezvous with all that is lost and gone
or daydream about what may or may not be

time has grown cynical
listening to me rationalize my thoughts
and fine-combing my feelings
keeping them in check and under control

time has grown up
outgrown my lies and facades
but now finally i understand
time is growth

just never the way we know.

for my new lover, Under Water

pre-text: Learning to scuba dive may be my first adult-child experience. I felt like a baby opening her eyes for the first time, seeing the world. Everything amazed and fascinated me.

muse: my virgin dive

I am furious at myself
For denying myself to you
It is long overdue
And now you draw me in
With those mesmerizing blues
Fused in with aqua greens
The waves beckon me into your arms
Wide as the eye can see
You make me feel like a child
Reborn into a world of free floating freedom
Everything I see is new, brand new
I marvel at the colors
Wavering from different angles
It is quiet but I hear the soft rhythm of life
Of creatures big and small
Some naked to my eyes
I breathe hard when I let myself go into you
And then you calm me down with your cool touch
I breathe easier I hear myself
Slowly I let you take over and I breathe easy
Every experience we have is different each time
You show me familiar things
And then something new and exotic
Things beyond my imagination
I feel the bursting excitement erupt within me
Like a child, I squeal inside
You are proof to me God exists
For only someone like Him can create something like You
With such variety, diversity and beauty
And to paint you such blues
I ache to be with you again
This time I will not wait too long
There is no holding back
The butterflies in my tummy get restless from my longing
I thank God for our union
I only wish he made me a mermaid
For I would rather be swimming with the fishes
Than be walking amongst men
Please take care of yourself while I am gone
I promise to return to you soon
Where the sea meets the sky
And the blues become one
That is where I will be

what use is a broken heart?

pre-text: Cause after someone shatters your heart, you got to keep living and moving along. And you wonder if you will ever love again...maybe you will, even though it hurts.

muse: all those who have broken my heart before

What use is a broken heart?
It's just like another other broken body part
Subject to years of wear and tear
The weight of life is too much for something so small to bear
It functions almost like it should, except it hurts when put it use
Even if you careful not to subject it to abuse
A simple diagnosis with no simple cure
A doctor may fix it, but the pain you have to endure

What use is a broken heart?
Except to write some words and maybe create some art
Pick up the pieces and glue it back
Even if you do, you will still see the cracks
Put in a nail or two, make it stay together
Still it will never be stronger like before, or ever

What use is a broken heart?
You can't see it even if your ribs were apart
It hurts and aches everyday
But you go on about your way
Hide it with a smile
Maybe no one will notice, maybe it will be all better in a while

What use is a broken heart?
Maybe as a reminder the next time around, to be a little bit more smart
When things break, they fall into smaller pieces
But a broken heart may be the biggest thing there is
It may sound like a myth
But a broken heart may have the most love to give

I need your wanting.

pre-text: When physical intimacy tempts you with the possibility of an emotional connection.

muse: AS

From the get-go I should have left
You alone
The way you moved those hips
Only hinted at what I was to lust after
“I kinda like you” you said time and time again
In that strangely sexy drunken breath
How much sober truth is that?
You got the right parts good and the wrong parts down pat
I should have stayed away I tried to let you go
But you kept coming back
You found your way back to me in the crowd
And your hands found their way around me
The words you said I wanted to hear
I wished they were honest and true
And then I could let my heart melt freely
Your lips on mine
Needy and wanting
You bite, I thought only I did
The passion you have I can reciprocate
But I got ahead of myself and gave in to you
Even in the dark, I feel your skin shimmer
The same smooth tan all over you
It is like God sculpted you and dipped you whole in cáffe
I could not keep my hands off you
And you would not let go off me in your sleep
I laid on your peachfuzzed-covered chest
Thump, thump, thump your heartbeat goes
No usual two-step beat
I have been here before
And I know better to not make the same mistake twice
But you pull me into you when I crawl back into our makeshift lovenest
I let myself go, if only for a while
“You are comfortable” you said
“You are comforting” I thought
Sex is not love, they say
Affection and intimacy is not connection, I have learned
I know that I am just another girl
And that was just another night
For me you aroused everything that I was fighting against
I gave in to the temptation of him disguised as you
My head said No, my body said Yes
And my soul said Maybe.
I thought I could play this game of two
Except I do not play by the rules
Still I want a rematch
Because like you said “I kinda like you”.

love letter to my morning coffee

pre-text: Just a literal interpretation of something visceral

muse: Gloria Jean's Cafe Mocha

As I cup you tightly in my hands
I hold you snug and close to me
Like you are the only thing that has ever mattered
You wake me up to life
And I'm reduced to a child- like gratefulness each morning
The heat permeates through the cup
Warm and fuzzy
From my hands to my heart
I lower my nose down for a gentle yet deep breath
And then I go "ahhh", letting go all the troubles I've yet to accumulate
This intimate ritual is my personal morning therapy
To start me off right
My quivering lip lowers down to taste you
Anticipation builds every time as if we were meeting for the first time
Will you burn me? Or will you be bold and strong? Maybe you will kill me with your sweetness
And then we finally come together and as I swallow cautiously
I feel you down my throat and then all throughout my being
You return the favor, you envelope me whole in your flavor
Every cell in my body feels like it is should: content
And then all is right with the world, and life.

my group of friends called grief.

pre-text: A self-reflexive look at the different stages of grief. Knowing and acknowledging each one is the first step. As losses accumulate, the physical and tangible losses evolve into the loss of something deeper and intangible.

muse: for those who have lost someone or something. or simply hope.

Oh Denial, you are my SOS
The first one on the scene when shit hits the fan
I can count on you for support
You are always on my side
Seeing things the way I do from where we stand

Bargaining, there you stand
At the corner of False Hope and Reality
Sometimes we win together
Most of the time, I end up losing
You are a tough sell, a big deal of nothing

Anger, you and me can take on the world
It's us against them, we are invincible
I got your back and you got mine
Alone I am passively stewing inside, together we are explosive
We are on the same team in the blame game

Debbie downer is your nickname, Depression
The sound of your name compresses my being,squeezing the life out of my life
You get easier to deal with each time, I must say
Familiarity does not breed contempt
But ease and comfort

Acceptance, I am serious about you but you treat me as a fling
Our time together is real and genuine, and always too brief
Just when I think we are ready to take it to the next level
You leave me and I go sleep with Anger,Depression and Denial, and sometimes Bargaining.
It's a one-sided love affair that's bittersweet at best

Closure is not something to seek
But the close circle of friends I call Grief
Who enclose me within as I sit on this rollercoaster ride called Life
As I go up and down, round and round until it is a big blur
I am grateful for these friends, they have practically become family.

seasons of life

pre-text: the only thing that catches up with age is age itself and the inevitable aches and pain. bodily aches and emotional pain. seeing that the body does not last forever, the notion of seeking something greater than the materials of life while maintaining the health and well-being of body, mind and soul is repeatedly drummed.

muse: family and friends

i do not recall very much of Spring
sometimes i feel its vitality, a sudden surge in my veins
the smells were fresh and untainted
colors bright and vivid, like a lucid dream
and the lightness of being, ah the lightness

Summer came, and was gone too soon
busy living in the moments
to think of what was to come
when i look back at the snapshots in my mind
i say " wasn't this yesterday?"

Fall has arrived, the leaves are falling and I fall into the limbo
stuck in between the peak and the bottom
it is time for one last hurrah
remember to live now in the now
for it slips too quickly into the past, and the future is catching up

the silent falling of snow softens the harshness of Winter cold
we shiver within as we crave the warmth of body and soul
thinking back, we did as good as we could
for it is too late to right the wrongs
and right about time to move on and along.

untitled

pre-text: for the moments when you think you were emotionally in the clear, and then you go crashing down into that deep dark pit. all over again.

muse: those who have gone

crazy young loves have drained me of passion
the song that plays on the radio
shakes my soul within
do i slip into your consciousness like a old habit
the butterflies have eloped with the dragonflies
they knew better they saw it coming
but we stayed
you went along your way and i on mine
but the world is not big enough for me to lose you
you crawl out of the crevices of my mind
and i want to lose my head

my heaven

pre-text: i am not sure when i wrote this....i came across this scribbled on a Travelodge memo stashed in my memos..

muse: must be on a plane..or on a trip

heaven is above the the clouds
when the sun shines steadily
it casts an orange glow
on all the cottonballs
some big, others small
some thin and wisp
some full and hearty
the sun is on its own horizon
setting on a thin wafer-like cloud
i want to bounce from one cloud to the other
and not fall to earth
play like an angel
without a care in the world
and then i do
the sun's lost and i am fumbling
tossed head over heels
my arms are flailing and my legs are out of control
caught in a aero-wave
i come crashing down to earth
will i die?
maybe if i die, i can go to heaven again
for a joyride

rational fall

pre-text: yes you can fall in love...but after falling and getting your heart broken repeatedly, you learn how to fall. in life, you fall forward with your hands stretched out or backwards on your butt. they call it protective extension. in love, you fall with...logic and rationality. either way, you fall.

muse: pl

you were foreign to me
invading my space
breaking down my walls
i forgot how it feels
to be suffocated
by passion and desire
i lived from hour to hour
mile to mile
now i long to be close to you
your warmth melts away my fears
i want you so close i feel your blood throbbing
maybe then your goodness will rub off on me too
i am learning still to let you in
and keep you in my life
so let me be where you are
whenever the moon and sun change their shifts

thoughts

pre-text: it's been a while..and these were old random thoughts that still come to mind from time to time.

muse: good old experiences

squeeze the clouds, wring them dry
hold on tight to your dreams before they fly away
our clocks chime in sync
but never at the same time
like line dancing we learn steps to the song of life
only to have it change when we get it down
answering questions and questioning answers
round and round till it loses all meaning to question
honesty does not stab you in the back
but shoots you in the foot and leaves you stranded with the truth
keep on smiling keep on trudging keep on searching
end up settling for entities of happiness
love is unconditional dependent of worthiness
sell forever in units of diamonds
the sun shines down upon us all
but it feels hotter here than there
you get greedy when you want
bigger, faster, better, more
you get content when you want what you need and nothing else
you get sad when you do not know what you want at all
secrets do not keep you secure in the inner circle
they trap you in guilt and paranoia
sometimes is always this time
and you wonder why
hanging onto that one person
only to have them hung up on someone else
between layers of clouds, time almost seems to slow down
limbo in a world beyond description
night has not fallen, the sun has not risen
the world just keeps on spinning.