pre-text: not every friend gets to celebrate the birthdays we do or hit the milestones in Life, but yet they've lived more fully than we ever could.
muse: jpl, pk and xcf
the first reaction is always What
then How amd Why
but Why cannot seem to make sense
just like the When is never a good time
explanations and consolations
are unacceptable
they make rational sense
emotional sense even
but they are incomprehensible
i search for meaning
the light in the void you leave
"at least she went with her whole family"
"his heart could have given up way earlier"
"he was doing what he loved most when he went...traveling"
am i the only one who focuses on the irrelevant
maybe i am that half-empty glass person
i think about our last conversations
about boys, about love and about life
the little details, the inconsequentials
now are remnants of what I grasp unto
your last thoughts
were you scared? were you panicking?
were you in pain? did you suffer a long time before you were gone?
what about your family?
the ones you loved? the ones who loved you?
the ones who loves you but you never knew?
how are they holding up?
who am i to be so devastated, who am i to be so dramatic
i am just a friend
a friend who has survived you
someone who gets to live her life
celebrate birthdays you will never have
make wishes for things that probably won't come true
who am i to deserve this all
i tell myself each time
to take better care of myself
of the people around me
to be kinder to family, friends and strangers
to show the ones i love that i do
to let the the ones who love me know that i know
it should not take death to remind me to do this
abrupt endings to jolt me to kick start my living
it should not take your death to remind me to live now
my heart suffers a daily dull ache
but on days like these, the ache cannot be assuaged
i don't need consolation, i am nobody to ask for it
nothing no one can say i have not said before
or have told myself to hold back the tears
i have played the different characters on this stage of life now
taking on the role
of sinner and saint, of the weak and strong
the meek and the powerful
the lover and the cheater, the lover and unloved
somehow this always throws a wrench
makes me want to run in the middle of it all
ramble a soliloquy, raise my over-poured glass of wine
a make a toast to life and living
proclaim my love and gratitude
to confess my secret sins, my dirty thoughts
lay my worst fears all out for the world to see
and hope they would love me for me nevertheless
because you taught me to that love is not meant to be quiet
or hidden
that you never know if you are holding unto a ticking bomb inside you
that life is not meant to be living on other's terms
your presence in my life i shall not let it go to waste
your absence in my life i shall fill it up
by channeling what you would have done, what you were doing
i will remember your smile, the twinkle in your eye
the laughs we shared together, the moments we briefly shared
how you made me feel, not everyone can do that
you are a loss to those who did not know you
and for those who were privileged to know you
we are indeed the luckier ones
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