do not bother

pre-text: written out of frustration when someone tries to suck up to you when you have already got used to/given up/ got fed up expecting things/feelings from people. you just reach this point where you wanna tell them ' please don't bother now. it makes me sick and disgusted to see how pathetic you look trying to do anything. too late buddy!'

muse: sda and others in the past for sure

do not bother to make me happy anymore
don't buy flowers,
or don't make surprise middle-of-the-day i-am-thinking-of-you phone calls
don't send love letters or postcards
or buy or even make gifts

no need to prove to me that you care about me and how i feel
(or maybe now you come to realise that i do mean something more to you than you thought i did)
it is not too little too late, it is over

the times when you said i was too sensitive, too demanding
too this too that
fuck you and all your bullshit
take that load of crap with you and get the fuck out of my life
you dwindle me down so small so you can get your way
no way am i going to deal with your hidden insecurities and fears anymore
your happiness at my expense is too much of a self-sacrifice for me

i do not expect anything ever from you
try to surprise me, i challenge you
just don't make me vomit in my mouth when i see you fail what something you try at
let this be a lesson to you:
never take me for granted

hero

pre-text: felt like i was living my life for someone else...the sacrificial aspect kinda wore out...the flesh is wanting and the spirit is weak.

muse: sda

look for another hero
because i can't be the one you want me to be
i am just like you, maybe just a little more
naive and a hopeless romantic
done all, done more. said all said more
time for nothing
nothing left inside me to give you, nothing left within me
nothing left for us to save , as we slowly dissolve into nothingness
both too tired, both only willing to give one thing:
give up
compromise is now abstract
you, you won't give up any part of you for me, for us
i, i gave up all of me for you, for us
we end up losing what we got, and each other
you may cry a little, reminicise a little
and you go on with your life
someday you'll think of me and miss me and
still think you made the rigt decision
and someday i'll think of you
and smile, with a quivering lower lip.

interesting words

pre-text: i went to a poetry slam in oneonta with s, and one of the guys said this. short and sweet. makes you go...'hmm...'

muse: erm...guy from osc poetry slam team (after all, these are his words, not mine!)

live for the moment,

die for the occasion.

lies and truths: they hurt

pre-text: written after i found out i was lied to by someone...to think all along i felt guilty and fucked up because i thought i messed things up. my truth was his lie.

muse: jnp

Sick and tired of listening to lies
Every single word you said
Mere lies
I refuse to demand the truth from you anymore
I trust too easy
I give too much
I expect too much
And now my hurt is too deep
To ever believe in anything anymore
I do not even want to blame you
For anything you said or did
Or the everything you did not say or do
I guess it is okay
I have learnt today
That lies and truths
It does not matter which it is
They all hurt just the same

empty

pre-text: another product of my 'dry' season...

muse: jnp and other passerbys in my life



the hole has been growing bigger
with each single day
with each single blow from you
and you
and you

my tears no longer have meaning
my eyes beg not to cry anymore
my heart is tired
of beating
of aching
of hurting
of breaking

i try not to think of you of us
i try not to listen to songs that were ours
i try not to miss you
and that just makes it all gush
out of the hole
into open space of nothing

and like the nothingness that all my feelings and thoughts have become
i have become empty and null within

switch off my soul

pre-text: written during my 'dry' season...the use of 'dry' is highly ironic here because i was on an emotional drought and an alcoholic flood within my bodily system..hahaha...

muse: no one in particular


change the weather
drain the ocean
melt the moon
turn off the sun
shuffle the seasons
count the sand
juggle the stars
convert the pope
sprint the walk
mute the music
glorify the sinners
lock up the keys
tarnish the laws
peirce the holes
darken the smile
wind the time
live the future
eat the thirst
laugh the sobs
beat the heart
grow the love
twist the psyche
lick the pain
crush the shattered
grope the feelings
dream the reality
end the eternity
question the answers
fuel the tears
fuck the sex

and when you are with that
remember to
switch off my soul

moving stationary

pre-text: had this nagging feeling within me for weeks...never knew how to put it into words. then it jumped right out at me when i was doing a reading for a class...funny how life gives u little signals...that u usually can't miss

muse: sda ( i guess he's the catalyst )

going around in circles
feeling the walls of an ever-changing maze
jumping through hoop after hoop
reaching for higher and higher
and still i am stuck in the same place

i thought i knew the way out of there
to try harder than i could
to give more than i had
to sacrifice more than i would
and still i never got anywhere

now i realise even all that i am not
will not ever be good enough for you
yet i will keep on going at it
until the point of no return
where i lose myself totally

there is bittersweet comfort in
doing something for the sake of doing it
knowing full well nothing is going to change
stuck like a mouse on an excercise wheel
i am moving stationary

bury me please

pre-text: clearly feeling very sucidal then..at least within. i felt dead inside...and wished someone could just do me the favor of ending my misery.

muse: jnp

I see myself sitting here
I feel the blood running through every inch of me
The plaque latching to the walls
Refusing to let go
Building and building and killing and killing me
Slowly, oh so slowly

I want so bad to be near you
To smell you and breathe in your breath
Does not matter now or any more
What happened
Grown out of me grown out of us
You could care less if I lived or die
But I do not die for you
I do not want to die for you
You don’t care why should you care
Why should I die for you

I always thought loving you would be forever
And it is I just never knew that it did not matter
Forever or not
Move on move on suck it up and move on with your life
I am I am
I am dragging my battered self across time
I am sprawled all over
My guts are spilled out

I do not show it
Does not mean I do not think of you
About me
And how I fucked you up bad
No one knows how fucking hard it is
How fucking disgusted I feel
How I want to rip out every piece of flesh in my body
And feed it to the animals

If I could I would just die
I am not a loser like they say
I am a winner
I just do not want to live a lie
Telling myself it will be all okay someday
I believe in complete truth

It is not your fault at all
I know you won’t think it’s your fault
It’s all my own doing
I dug my grave
Ever since the day I was born
You are just the lucky one that didn’t get pulled down with me
Now I just lie here
Waiting for someone kind enough to throw the first handful of soil
Bury me please

away from myself

pre-text: i have never felt this all-over-the-place feeling before...its not the typical confused/disoriented/mellow/nostalgic bullshit we feel from time to time. i can't seem to describe it in words, it just makes me feel like screaming and crying and laughing and needy ALL at the same time

muse: myself with contributions from people in my life, past and present

i need to get out of here
out of my skin out of this reality
disgusted by my very own sickened insides
sick and tired of feeling and thinking
and expressing it out loud
to have this shit i know so well bounce off you and unto me again
or have you analyze from your perspective and reintroduce it to me
no more deep thinking and unfinished last cries
done with being cynical, skeptical and jaded ( and any other word that describes
absolute hopelessness )
it has gotten old this idea of passion and never giving up on anything or anyone
been squeezing life out of the core of my dead being
till the emptiness is now nothing
ought to get away from you and the me that i am when i am with you
have to find the me i gave up for you
being alone is no longer any comfort
have to tear what is left of the me I used to know apart from the self i am now
so i will no longer self-destruct
i need to save myself because you won’t.

vicious cycle of love

pre-text: the clarity tt came after the most intense fight i've been in...tt love with its best intentions can hurt both the person you love and your own self.

muse: sda



we both are confused and we both don’t know
what we want for ourselves what we want from each other
i love you with the core of my being and i cannot let you go
but i end up suffocating you with this passionate love of mine
and forcing you to reciprocate the same affection
i deserve to be loved the way you are loved by me
with the same complete devotion of body and soul
but you offer me less and less each time
still i love you more and more
pretenses i put up and smiles i fake
all to give you that buzz within
why do i do this for you why do i do this to myself
maybe my purpose in your life is to show you
that love can be this embracing
so that you may find someone worthy enough of your love
and i go on making my way to find someone in need of my love
then you will truly know that my love for you is purely unconditional.