i think i love you

pre-text: one of my older poems...written when me and sda just started going out. reading it now, i still feel the butterflies fluttering in my tummy!

muse: sda

you said i love you
then you said no, i like you i like you

you said i love your kisses, i love you
then i was silent

you said i love you
and i was silent

you said i think i do
and then i said
i think i do too.

trapped in myself

pre-text: sudden pang of worthlessness hit me. ( i think this feeling's always been ard, just that i ignore it or block it and it comes and hits me in my head on a fairly regular basis). i didnt go looking ard to talk to anyone but sda called and we talked. i felt a lil better but i still know i need to look within myself to feel good abt myself and my life.

muse: sda (got to give him some credit...)


thoughts run zigzag all over my mind
creating a maze that i cannot find my way out of
i go around a corner and another wall springs out
like random fancy philosophy
that is used to make satisfactory sense of the un-understood

my eyes are wide open but completely blind
i listen to voices within and outside of me
turn left turn right do this do that
each wall i feel seems strangely familiar
yet different and refreshing in a sick sick way

follow your gut follow what is inside
i can not do that
this is reflexive this is self-consuming
flaws and strengths blended into one
the hero in this story is the victim

and that is me.

give

pre-text: realised that there is a limited number of times you can not give up on something...u reach that point where you realise you have no other choice but to do that...and you console yourself and call it "letting go". ive given up on not giving up anymore.

muse: sda

give a little bit give a little bit more
give until you have nothing left
then give some more
eventually you give in and

give up.

The Sorry Stranger by Paul McCann

pre-text: i was just surfing online for poems, trying to get my mind of s...and this came up. i feel like it's perfect...how it describes i feel towards him.

muse: sda

If I could turn back time or take back what I said,
I would.
I'm sorry for being unkind.

The regret I have of loving you
Is that I hurt you.
Now we are strangers in our time.

Although they say out of sight and out of mind,
I will always remember when you were mine.

our truth

pre-text: been thinking a lot abt sda and me and what happened or did not happen, what could have been done and what would have happen if...basically, WHAT....????

muse: sda


strings upon strings of thoughts
tangle up inside my head
every second every minute I pick at them
trying to gather some sense some reason some explanation
of how things ended up like this
acts and scenes I replay, adding new twists and turns
seeing if i can find our happy ending
same old sob story to the same old few
them too tired to listen, me too tired to repeat
again and again and again
should i throw out this convulated mess of truths
and never find out what we did wrong
or sit and dwell and maybe never find anything anyway
i miss you
and how we never had to sugarcoat
our words, our thoughts, our feelings
presenting them in the essence of their core
then they began to hurt us
and we became more careful, more guarded
leading us to where we are now
seems like the very thing that brought us together
has now driven us apart

i exist

pre-text: i was sitting at baird point in ub on a sunny wednesday afternoon. it was so beautiful out...i was with thousands of students and i was alone all at the same time.

muse: the weather?

i sit and squint
smile to myself and go 'hmmmmmmm.............'
the sun caresses my face like a long lost lover
the wind and warmth against my skin, i turn toward the sun
just like a girl who longs to be touched
in a distance i hear rubber tires spinning over hard tar
reminding me of modern technology bringing us to places we want to go, in life
around me and overheard, birds are chirping, squabbling
in a language i know not of
somehow they remind me
to rejoice in simple existence
to enjoy living, to enjoy this moment in time
no need for waned company
no need for cameras to capture moments or memories
this feeling within can only be experienced, lived and cherished
a million postcard-perfect shots of this sky, the lake can never
recreate the wind against my skin, the sunshine on my face
i do not need anyone, or any deep philosophical thoughts
just knowing i exist, that i am me in this vast world
makes me content.