my heaven

pre-text: i am not sure when i wrote this....i came across this scribbled on a Travelodge memo stashed in my memos..

muse: must be on a plane..or on a trip

heaven is above the the clouds
when the sun shines steadily
it casts an orange glow
on all the cottonballs
some big, others small
some thin and wisp
some full and hearty
the sun is on its own horizon
setting on a thin wafer-like cloud
i want to bounce from one cloud to the other
and not fall to earth
play like an angel
without a care in the world
and then i do
the sun's lost and i am fumbling
tossed head over heels
my arms are flailing and my legs are out of control
caught in a aero-wave
i come crashing down to earth
will i die?
maybe if i die, i can go to heaven again
for a joyride

rational fall

pre-text: yes you can fall in love...but after falling and getting your heart broken repeatedly, you learn how to fall. in life, you fall forward with your hands stretched out or backwards on your butt. they call it protective extension. in love, you fall with...logic and rationality. either way, you fall.

muse: pl

you were foreign to me
invading my space
breaking down my walls
i forgot how it feels
to be suffocated
by passion and desire
i lived from hour to hour
mile to mile
now i long to be close to you
your warmth melts away my fears
i want you so close i feel your blood throbbing
maybe then your goodness will rub off on me too
i am learning still to let you in
and keep you in my life
so let me be where you are
whenever the moon and sun change their shifts

thoughts

pre-text: it's been a while..and these were old random thoughts that still come to mind from time to time.

muse: good old experiences

squeeze the clouds, wring them dry
hold on tight to your dreams before they fly away
our clocks chime in sync
but never at the same time
like line dancing we learn steps to the song of life
only to have it change when we get it down
answering questions and questioning answers
round and round till it loses all meaning to question
honesty does not stab you in the back
but shoots you in the foot and leaves you stranded with the truth
keep on smiling keep on trudging keep on searching
end up settling for entities of happiness
love is unconditional dependent of worthiness
sell forever in units of diamonds
the sun shines down upon us all
but it feels hotter here than there
you get greedy when you want
bigger, faster, better, more
you get content when you want what you need and nothing else
you get sad when you do not know what you want at all
secrets do not keep you secure in the inner circle
they trap you in guilt and paranoia
sometimes is always this time
and you wonder why
hanging onto that one person
only to have them hung up on someone else
between layers of clouds, time almost seems to slow down
limbo in a world beyond description
night has not fallen, the sun has not risen
the world just keeps on spinning.

nook in my neck

pre-text: i wrote this for a friend who wasn't having the greatest time of his life...and it's funny because i've never met him...but i wished really badly to be beside him to offer the nook in my neck. i guess there are many times when someone you know is crying and you have no idea what to do, but offer the nook in your neck to them.

muse: kr

i want to tuck your hair back
get it out of your eyes
and wipe that stray tear off the corner of your eye
stroke your cheeks
hold still that quivering lip of yours
lean a little closer into me
it is okay to let it go
let it out and let them fall
those feelings you cannot decide on
and the defenses, the pretences
cuddle into the nook of my neck
i believe it was shaped for such things
to say i know how you feel
would be trying too hard
maybe even a big fat lie
you do not know what you want
answers and solutions may not even suffice
i shall not offer anything
but the nook of my neck

lovebeat

pre-text: was thinking of how hk's love for me is always constant, i say mean things and he puts up with it. and the times i called roo over the past few wks crying..and tonight when i called home to granny, mummy and diana. i have family and friends who loved me over the years, near or far, fat or skinny, nice or not...unconditional. and im blessed.

muse: those who love me

countless days like fleeting like clouds in the sky
countless nights like stars in the universe
seasons came and gone as nature’s work
time timed through the fine grains of an hourglass
your love is like the beating of my heart
constant and consistent
each beat is matched with a pulse of love from you
there are moments of quiet slow calming love
and then there are moments of excitement and passion
oh, do not forget the angry painful ones
when I am so blinded by hate and hurt
then I hear my heart pounding
and I remember your love for me
stronger and louder than ever
days passing by like wind blowing across the land
nights floating over like waves in the ocean
seasons coming and going, recycling the cycle
present becoming the past and future becoming the present with each tick of the clock
your love is the beating of my heart
an ethereal union of the two
and when my heart stops beating
i know your love will still live on.

maybe

pre-text: you know how shows on tv always end the emo episode with "maybe..." sometimes it's one word...sometimes it is something 'profound'. it leaves me feeling...what they want: emotional. then i remember the moments i think of when i used maybes...and this is what i came up with.

muse: maybe my emotions? (no pun intended)

Maybe may be the most uncertain word.
Maybe can stand alone.
Maybe can be yes and no all at the same time.

Maybe suggests a possibility.
Maybe gives you some hope
Maybe can mean I do not know but I do not want to admit it.

Maybe is soft, not hard cold rejection or strong passionate confirmation
Maybe is between extremes, a safe limbo to be in.
Maybe is indecisive, maybe even fickle.

It may be it all maybe is.

take care of your heart

pre-text: i've been toying with this idea of the heart...its physical importance in our bodies, and of course in our emotional life. most probably not how i wanted it written or how i had it in my head. but rather random ramblings. seems to be having quite a couple of these moments these days.

muse: those who have touched my heart

Heart disease is a lifestyle disease
Determined by daily choices we make
Of the food we eat
Determined by small and big choices we make
In life

Careful not to let your heart beat too fast
Your mortal body might not be able to catch up
If your heart slows down too much
That isn’t good either
Make each beat strong and powerful

Follow your heart
It is the engine of your soul
Use your head
It is the control center of your being
Together, use your head to follow your heart

And should there be conflict
Sit down and think about it
Feel it coursing through your blood
Weigh what is at stake with what you value
You will find a balance, most of the time

Do not let your heart get soft
This way, you are vulnerable to the scheming
Do not let your heart get hard
You might not feel anything then
Have a humble and open heart

Leap for joy and happiness
Your heart should celebrate good things in life
Grief if you need to, but not too long
A broken heart syndrome can very well lead to a heart attack
Take your heart on a rollercoaster ride

If someone should break your heart
Know that time will heal it
But scars may always remain
It is alright, no one looks at it anyway
They only care if you are willing to give your heart to them, and how much

Cut the lock of fear, cut the lock of hurt
You only end up keeping it all in, and alone
Open your heart and let others in
To know you, your life and the being in your shell
It can be quite liberating

Heart disease is a lifestyle disease
Of emotions and of physical well-being
You have a choice
To live and love
Healthily and happily

love should be enough

pre-text: honestly, the words spilled out of my head. dunno if it makes any sense or not...but i guess the idea is..when u say the word "love" as a noun or a verb...it automatically means...true, honest, everlasting, constant, passionate love. there's no need to say "i really love you" or " i love you forever". it's a given.

muse: to all my loved ones.

Love is enough

It should not be true
It should not be forever
It should not be unconditional

It need not be declared
It need not be displayed
It need not be justified

It will not be simplified
It will not be complicated
It will not be overrated

Love is enough.

your song

pre-text: after since i moved on from a part of my past...i get sucked back into it once in a while....when i hear a song that i think he would enjoy. and i guess everytime i hear one of those songs, there's this urge within me to pick up my phone and call him. but of cuz i never do. maybe this is the way to tell him that...

muse: sda

you always liked the songs with just the piano in the beginning
and the mellow voice of a jaded overgrown boy
who knows way too much for his own good
the words do not rhyme at the end
and it fades in and out, loud and soft
they repeat one line over and over
and sometimes it seems they whisper
as if for us to strain our ears
or maybe we were meant to feel it
and when the song ended
you wished there was more
even though you felt like crying after you heard it the first time.
your songs, i listen to them now
and think of you.

someone else

pre-text: was browsing through my old poems and came across this one. written about 3 years ago...i felt sad reading it before. but now, i feel good...cuz i found that someone else. and he knows who he is.

muse: jnp

It has been quite some time now.

My love for you has become stale.
It is not active, just lying dormant in my heart and soul
Intergrated into a part of my being, like scar tissue

I have moved, along.
Tried new things, met new people
Opened my mind and heart to new philosophies of life.

I will always love you, like I told you before
But now I have to believe I have to hope
And to learn to not be scared
Or angry
Or bitter

I cannot decide whether I want or I need
Someone who can make me feel vulnerable and protected at the same time
Someone who will make me sing love songs from the heart and believe each word
Someone who is passionate and crazy about me as me him
Someone who will hold my hand and hug me tight
Someone who will kiss me gently at night when I sleep
Someone who can make me smile and laugh without constraint
Someone who can read my mind and feel the same way
Someone who loves life as much as I do
Someone who teach me how to open up again
Someone who will never go away
Someone who will love me and my flaws and my mistakes
Someone who will never let me go

That someone was once you
Now I have to find someone
Else.

the fog

pre-text: written on the road as well... whilst we drove through the fog, i contemplated our future together.

muse: hk

the destination is definite but uncertain
the journey there, long or short, tumultuous or not
you and I both don’t know
just hold on to my hand
and we’ll feel this fog out together
if you should stumble. I’ll hold into you tighter
if i should hesitate to take another step, walk in front of me and urge me forward
but please don’t leave me behind
and if we should lose each other in the midst
listen to my voice and follow your heart
i promise not to lose patience with you
and you promise not to lose faith in us
our love will bring us back together
and then we’ll hold onto each other tighter than ever.

a night in germany

pre-text: written when i was sitting in the car...driving underneath a clear night sky with my baby.

muse: hk

tuck the sun away to sleep
hang up the moon, turn it on till it’s soft and bright
pull down the curtain of night
and sprinkle it with stars
wind up a breeze and blow it gently across the sky
inch a little closer to me
go in a little deeper, feel my pulse in yours
look into my eyes and touch my soul
hold onto my hand till the sun wakes up again tomorrow

tissue paper lady

pre-text: just some ramblings since ive been back.

muse: the stranger who sells tissue paper at the bus interchange

you stand at the same corner everyday
selling the same tissue paper everyday
"Tis-Sue-Pa-Per-One-Dol-Lar" is all you ever say

i walk past you
and wonder is this all you ever do
if this life you lead is true

today you are not at the usual spot
i must admit i find it odd
i think of you now, but i never thought.

an apology

pre-text: reflected how i was being rather bitchy...given the challenging situation, the other person was being really understanding and sweet.

muse: hk

i thought i memorized every freckle on your face
every crease and wrinkle
the way the corner of your nose and mouth curl
when you smiled at funny things in life
my moments of loving you
oscillate between intense desperate passionate obsession
to plain despair
i must have forgotten how you feel
your love is as distant as you are
and i only seem to push you even further
to your limits to see how much can you take of me
my complains, my issues and my past emotional baggage
should know now not to shoot myself in the foot
and expect to get anywhere with you
i am sorry.

tell me

pre-text: clearly i was confused and desperately 'obedient' at the point of writing.

muse: hk

tell me
how to love and let go
and if i do let go
how to love bravely still

tell me
how to love without possessing
to love without controlling
to love without demanding
to love without hurting the other

tell me
what to do with myself.

you hurt

pre-text: i wrote this a while ago and had it saved on my school com. was feeling rather down then... now that i look at it, love should never ever hurt, at least not this way.

muse: sda

I do not want to blame you
For what you did or did not do, for what you meant or did not meant to say or do.
I do not want to blame you
For being who you are, your perfect self now tainted with dirtiness
Because I love you

You turn around and point the finger of blame at me
Say that I am the one fucking things up.
Remember I am harsher on me than on you
And that I have cursed myself a million times over before you did.
But I love you still

Nothing set in stone for us both, you say
I am the one who said we got to keep on working at us
Now doubts just keep popping out
Why bother with this now if we both know it will never work ever?
Because I love you?

I want to love you with all I have and more
Be your best and your everything and your last
But to do it at my expense is asking for more than I am willing to give
Been there, done there. So fuck that.
I love you but you hurt me.

Love should never hurt.

sad

pre-text: i wrote this a couple weeks back because i was in some kind of a crossroads in my r/s with someone i love. it made me think about my past..and it made me sad. i still cant decide which is sadder.

muse: all the guys i've loved and some that i still love

which is sadder
to have loved and lost
or never to have loved at all

which is sadder
to love someone and realise that you have to go away
leave him and know he would not ever want you back
or to give your all and more
and realise he was never worth it at all
or to silently love him from afar, knowing that it is the only way
for him to be happy without you
or accept someone for all they are until they change
their feelings for you and leave
or to love someone wholeheartedly but
his heart's torn between people and places
or to want to suspend all logic and rationale to love him
but he is just not feeling as passionate as you
or love him and leave him and love him and leave him
playing love like a jackpot game
or to simply stop loving at all
because the hurt afterwards is just not worth it
or to keep on loving and believing
cause you do not know how else to be alive

which is sadder
to have loved and lost
or never to have loved at all

now

pre-text: always been fascinated with the concept of time. and this is what i've come up with..for now. a short one tho.

muse: my inner thoughts

the certainty to have been
and the ability to be
now is the essence of time.

whisper

pre-text: i've finally reached the point where i am not expecting anything in return for what i am giving. in this case, it's love. it's a strange place to be...liberating yet slightly painful.

muse: hk


i whispered it once
you seemed to have missed it
i whispered it a little louder
making sure you heard me this time around
you hugged me closer to you
and took a deep breath
i could feel your goosebumps raising on your skin
you were silent so
I bit my lip and asked boldly
if you felt it
and you nodded and held me tighter
then a tear leaked out of my eye

timeline

pre-text: time is a tricky bastard.

muse: hk

we were in the same place at the same time
and we had the best time of our lives
then time passed and our time came to an end
off we go, moving along with time to a new place in life
maybe our paths may cross some day, if our timing's right again
do think of me from time to time
or sometimes when you miss me
the times we had would never come again
so please remember the time we were together.