now

pre-text: always been fascinated with the concept of time. and this is what i've come up with..for now. a short one tho.

muse: my inner thoughts

the certainty to have been
and the ability to be
now is the essence of time.

whisper

pre-text: i've finally reached the point where i am not expecting anything in return for what i am giving. in this case, it's love. it's a strange place to be...liberating yet slightly painful.

muse: hk


i whispered it once
you seemed to have missed it
i whispered it a little louder
making sure you heard me this time around
you hugged me closer to you
and took a deep breath
i could feel your goosebumps raising on your skin
you were silent so
I bit my lip and asked boldly
if you felt it
and you nodded and held me tighter
then a tear leaked out of my eye

timeline

pre-text: time is a tricky bastard.

muse: hk

we were in the same place at the same time
and we had the best time of our lives
then time passed and our time came to an end
off we go, moving along with time to a new place in life
maybe our paths may cross some day, if our timing's right again
do think of me from time to time
or sometimes when you miss me
the times we had would never come again
so please remember the time we were together.

fall romance

pre-text: it makes me sad that finally when i've found someone good, i've got to let him go.

muse: hk

skin on skin, heart to heart
i hold onto you as tight as i can
i do not mean to cry
only want to remember how you feel
against me, and in me.

was not scared to be hurt
fear passed me by when i jumped into this
both feet in and now i am drowning
we both knew the ending from the beginning
but passion for life got the best of us

did not expect to fall deeper and deeper into you
you suck me in without even trying
you taste of love and happiness
and i do not ever want to stop kissing you
let alone let you go

and i know how lucky i am to have you
even for such a short while
cause you are meant for so much more
for some one worthier to love you
and call you their own

i do not know what to do
only what i have to do
i am going to love you the best way i can
and hope you feel it from your inside
when we finally say goodbye

questions about "i love you"

pre-text: so much thought is put into this feeling we call love, from finding it to having found it and expressing it.

muse: hk

love or lust
my head or my heart, which should i trust
my head: a mere science concocted by neurotransmitters, thoughts and ideas communicated via synapses
my heart: a biomechanical pump of life that can be shut down by emotions

i think with my head and analyze it with my mind
i touch you all over and i feel you inside
i don't suppose it's lust, at least not for the most part
so i guess it must be love

should i tell you?
how should i tell you?
when should i tell you?
all but absolutely irrelevant questions

the bigger question
the greater fear
the crucial climax is
how would you react

would you look me back in the eye and recipocrate or
patronise me politely with a "me too" or
simply pretend it was gibberish that slipped my tongue or
kiss me deeply and tell me you love me too

maybe the question to ask is
am i expecting something in return for my expression of love or
am i worried that you do not feel the same way about me or
am i scared that you might be overwhelmed by my brutal sincere honesty

questions waiting to be answered
answers waiting to be questioned
and while you wait for me
know that i love you

tears/truth

pre-text: stole this from someone else's website. beautifully describes one's reactions to hearing the truth, i've certainly been there!

muse: matthew (got to give credit to him!)

Sometimes you brush against a truth,
feeling it before you can say it,
and instead of theories or conclusions,
tears are the evidence it leaves.
- Dianna Ortiz: The Blindfold’s Eyes

when do i tell you?

pre-text: contemplating the right time and right place to say "something stupid" (think that song by robbie williams and nicole kidman!)

muse: hk

when do i tell you

when you look into my eyes and my chest tightens in a good way
when you make me laugh with your signature Jamaican accent
when you give my hand a little squeeze out of the blue
when you hug me each time the every day we meet
when you peck me on the cheek for no reason at all
when you carress the small of my spine and kiss it
when you reach over to me after minutes of not touching
when you wrap me in your arms to sleep and kiss me randomly in the night
when you hold me against your naked skin after making sweet gentle love to me

when do i tell you
i love you?

fear of you

pre-text: i think i need to talk with someone about something really important. but i cant seem to bring myself to do it cuz i don't know if i should, if i could, if i would. i don't even know what i want to say...except i need to get how i feel inside out to him. the fear i want to share with him is the same fear holding me back.

muse: hk

face to face is too confrontational
words get twisted in the telephone line
voice breaks in and out on the cell
writing a letter would be evidence of my emotions
meanings get lost in cyberspace
a middleman is just too much trouble

please excuse my excuses
i not only cannot face you
i cannot face my fear.

walk in the rain

pre-text: rained all day today, as usual life hits me with something to learn. nature indeed reflects life.

muse: weather

take off your shoes and run free, dive into life
soaked to the skin and loving it, living in real time and not for later
laughing out loud, never apologizing for being you
ignoring wise words of the old, adamant that you are invincible
slipped and fell down and it hurt, never knew that you could slip up
feeling cold on the outside and burning on the inside, you learned your lesson now

grey skies ahead so carry an umbrella, always be prepared
open your umbrella, build up your defenses
stand under a shelter, stay in your comfort zone
avoid the puddles, stick to the sidewalk where you are safe
wear a couple more layers, and not white, keep yourself impenetrable to the world
stay indoors if you can, do not take risks or chances unless calculated

i want to walk barefoot like i did before
i want to squeal in excitement like i did before
i want to fall down and get up after crying for attention like i did before
i want to love without fear of being hurt
i want to chase dreams without waking up from nightmares
i want to live life without reservations

oh won't you come play with me in the rain?

asleep

pre-text: always felt like that when i slept beside someone that i loved. its a feeling that i never could really capture, a mix of amazement and ...fear.

muse: hk and sda


carefully peel away all your layers,
emotions like masks remove them one by one
and strip down to your bare skin

you must be tired from dancing to the tune of life,
exhausted all outlets to be something for someone else
so retire into a world where only you matter

breathe in slowly, softly and oh so silently,
then exhale all the pentup frustrations within
your heart feels lighter already

just staring at you almost makes me cry
you are so beautiful,
so beautiful i shake to feel you

vulnerable and fragile,
i am afraid to shatter you
and the dreams that you are chasing

so i let you lie beside me
and fall asleep in your arms,
hoping you will watch me when you wake.

it really does not matter

pre-text: death appears to have to exist to juxtapose (big word from jc days that i must be spelling wrongly) life. balance, and you yin- and- yang concept.

muse: pk and bambi and those who left before me.


in the end, it really does not matter.

all the annoying things that you do
all the mean and thoughtless words that you say
all the promises broken over and over again
all the lies you told, white or plain
all the calls you wanted to make and never did
all the things you held back because of your pride
all the finger pointing and blame shifting
all the small issues that you exagerrate

all of these unneccessary routines in life
it really does not matter, when you are dead.

fall 2005

pre-text: for two significant beings in my life...who up and left...without giving me a chance to say a real goodbye.

muse: pk and bambi


Fall doesn’t come till late September
The leaves are still green
And the sun is shining in its brightest glory
One last stretch for the summer
But you left early.

Fall doesn’t come till late September
No tinge of yellow yet.
No crunching of dried up leaves.
And no last goodbye.
You left.

he came

pre-text: seems like the last few poems are all about death. death literally and death metaphorically. death, dying...constantly happening around us. or me that for matter. i am almost numb from the pain, or loss. or maybe i am in denial...i don't know. detached might just be the word.

muse: bambi my baby

He came to you
Without invitation without warning
Did you want to go with him?
Were you forced? Or simply too tired to fight him?

The world is so very small but I am so far away from you
To touch you one last time
To whisper quietly all the things I have yet to say
To let my useless tears fall upon you

You left without saying goodbye
To me
You left without letting me say goodbye
To you

Am I angry? Yes
Am I regretting? Yes
Am I confused? Yes
And most of all, I am helpless.

He came
To relieve you of your pain
And to remind me to live my life
Before he comes for me.

dead in my life

pre-text: written after a painful break up. thinking about the end of a r/s as a death...and losing my precious bambi...this one seems fit.

muse: jnp

it's been so long now
and i am still mourning the loss
of you

you died
in my life

no more laughs
only memories that hurt
no more tears
only tears of grief i cry
no more us together
only faded pictures to call my own
no more talking about our life as one
only shattered dreams
no
more "i love you forever"s
only my love forever

you died
in my life

except you are living
in your own life now
and
i still can't accept that
you died

in my life

loser

pre-text: written a long while back...but it seems like this 'situation' still holds true. games are not all that fun when you lose. for those who play games with your partner, and end up losing both the game and your loved one.

muse: jnp

i let you go
then I wanted you back
you came back
and met me half way
I wanted it all, like before
Ping-Pong game

I called you but you did not pick up
I wrote but you never replied
I cried but you never cared
I apologized but you never forgave
Squash game

It has all along been about me
What I wanted, what I needed
I never wanted to play games with you
Cause I know I will lose
And I did

I lost you.

the irony of it all

pre-text: random thoughts collected over time...or rather several weeks...presented in prose

muse: people around me, people i have come in contact with

parents didn't give you what you need
so you put your hand out
to ask for what you want
working out and eating healthy, looking good
all just to build a shrine of a better, more perfect you
to attract followers that will worship you
living in polluted cities, eating processed foods with all the bad stuff they tell you about
then rushing off to the pharmacy and popping the vitamins and minerals
hoping to balance your body chemicals
buying pretty clothes, expensive makeup, flashy jewellery
to hide the self you are afraid other won't accept
trying to fill that empty void within
eventually becoming the empty shell you swore you would never be
searching around still for "happy ever afters"
because that is your only fighting chance
against being too jaded for a young soul
the person in front of you right now is THE one
only until the next best thing comes along
then you wonder what you were thinking then
nitpicking at anything we can get our hands on
so that we can pre-empt our reactions when shit hits the fan
should just let nature take its course cuz it's going to happen anyway
telephone, fax, email, messenger services, text messenging, snail mail, video conferences and what not
but why are we not making ourselves any clearer
i need to see you face to face to hear what you truly mean
always reminding ourself that its the small things in life that matter
the inner beauty, true colors of a person
yet we judge the way he talks, the way she walks and the car he drives
the grass is always greener on the other side
until you look over the other fence and see another greener patch
and realise grass is green no matter where it is, why not stick to your own
get rid of the old thinking the new is better
but when the novelty of it all wears off
you wish that you stuck it out with the old
you tend to hurt the ones you love most
almost testing the intensity of their love and loyalty to you
cause you know that they will stand by you no matter what shit you pull
quick to criticize the media for brainwashing, loose morals, wrong information and every other social problem
is it not a reflection of society, no doubt sometimes exagerrated
there's no way to run away from it
wanting to be like someone else because they are all you ever wanted to be
losing what you were meant to be
and never even knowing that you lost something you never had
then again i am no one to tell you all these ironies of life
when i am part of the problem
and making no effort to solve them.

walk into the horizon

pre-text: for someone who actively makes his dreams reality, his passion something tangible.

muse: sda

about a boy
who thought he became a man the night he turned twentyone
he knows what he knows
but he doesnt know what he doesnt know
push the boundaries of your life as you know it
out of this small town and into the world
walk into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack
meet new people engage in deep conversations
on politics, religion and this thing we call life
read books on philosophy
and apply them wholesale to his way of living
i am no one to criticise
but it does not seem wise to me
still go on and walk into the horizon
with passion for life burning strong in you
and if you have any left at the end of the day
write a song for me, a song about me
and sing it in a small obscure cafe
tapping your feet and swaying side to side
and write me a letter every few months
so i know you are still missing me
and yes go on walking into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack

fall

pre-text: the many ways you can fall.

muse: sda

fell in love with you
fell into a bed of roses together with you
fell out with you
fell out of the clouds
fell onto my knees
fell from your grace
fell into your bad books
fell apart into pieces
fell into solitary without you
and
now i am falling deeper and deeper
into this abyss of unknown

oh where are you now
did you not promise to catch me when i fall?

don't

pre-text: i am mad at him for all i mentioned...yet i can't seem to let him go. ironic. pathetic.

muse: sda

don't call me a drama queen
just because i cry everytime i think of you
isn't life a continous soap opera?
don't call me weak and lacking in confidence
when you are the one ripping it
out from within me
don't tell me to live in the moment
and you go run away from reality
each time it slaps you in the face
don't tell me you love me
when your words are empty
and your actions...they don't even exist
don't preach your life philosophies to me
because they should only apply to you
and my life is way more intense than your simple simple life
don't reach around me and hold me close
let all my emotions come spilling out
and walk away like nothing happened
don't pretend you are making sweet passionate love to me
when we both know its dwindled down
into plain detached friendly fucking
don't pretend i am the best you will ever have
cause i am just the best you have right now
and someone better will come along

most importantly
don't come back to me
because i don't want you
but i will take you back anyway.

voices

pre-text: been stuck in a rut for a long time, and have had friends tell me what i should do, what they think i should do...and of course i have 'significant' persons telling me things and then in the midst of it all, my little tiny voice within. all these just puts voices in my head!

muse: ironically, sda and all my friends who know abt the shit gg on with him

i heard what you said
or did i hear what i wanted
and interpreted what you said differently
when you meant something else
i grew accustomed to believing what you told me
good and bad, truth and lies
and now you are just playing with my mind

you care and you show it
constantly there, never pushing, just supporting
i cry, whine, bitch, scream and threaten to die
still you stand by me to remind me i am never really all alone
same old advice same old instructions
packaged in simplicity and vigourous exasperation
i've heard it all i've heard it all

florence, you are better than this you know it!
you are smart and beautiful (i am not! am i?)
you don't need a guy like him, there are better guys out there (where? where?)
you have to let go (but i love him!)
it is his loss, not yours ( but he is the one leaving me!)
fuck him fuck him and his bullshit his fucking lifestyle his fucking fucked-up attitude (yeah! fuck him!)
listen to yourself, florence, listen to yourself (yes, listen...)

shut up just shut up all of you
i cannot analyse your hidden meanings and ulterior motives
i cannot process your good-willed intentions
i cannot debate with the voices within me
i need everyone around me to keep really quiet
and let me deal with this on my own terms in my own time
but love me any way.