asleep

pre-text: always felt like that when i slept beside someone that i loved. its a feeling that i never could really capture, a mix of amazement and ...fear.

muse: hk and sda


carefully peel away all your layers,
emotions like masks remove them one by one
and strip down to your bare skin

you must be tired from dancing to the tune of life,
exhausted all outlets to be something for someone else
so retire into a world where only you matter

breathe in slowly, softly and oh so silently,
then exhale all the pentup frustrations within
your heart feels lighter already

just staring at you almost makes me cry
you are so beautiful,
so beautiful i shake to feel you

vulnerable and fragile,
i am afraid to shatter you
and the dreams that you are chasing

so i let you lie beside me
and fall asleep in your arms,
hoping you will watch me when you wake.

it really does not matter

pre-text: death appears to have to exist to juxtapose (big word from jc days that i must be spelling wrongly) life. balance, and you yin- and- yang concept.

muse: pk and bambi and those who left before me.


in the end, it really does not matter.

all the annoying things that you do
all the mean and thoughtless words that you say
all the promises broken over and over again
all the lies you told, white or plain
all the calls you wanted to make and never did
all the things you held back because of your pride
all the finger pointing and blame shifting
all the small issues that you exagerrate

all of these unneccessary routines in life
it really does not matter, when you are dead.

fall 2005

pre-text: for two significant beings in my life...who up and left...without giving me a chance to say a real goodbye.

muse: pk and bambi


Fall doesn’t come till late September
The leaves are still green
And the sun is shining in its brightest glory
One last stretch for the summer
But you left early.

Fall doesn’t come till late September
No tinge of yellow yet.
No crunching of dried up leaves.
And no last goodbye.
You left.

he came

pre-text: seems like the last few poems are all about death. death literally and death metaphorically. death, dying...constantly happening around us. or me that for matter. i am almost numb from the pain, or loss. or maybe i am in denial...i don't know. detached might just be the word.

muse: bambi my baby

He came to you
Without invitation without warning
Did you want to go with him?
Were you forced? Or simply too tired to fight him?

The world is so very small but I am so far away from you
To touch you one last time
To whisper quietly all the things I have yet to say
To let my useless tears fall upon you

You left without saying goodbye
To me
You left without letting me say goodbye
To you

Am I angry? Yes
Am I regretting? Yes
Am I confused? Yes
And most of all, I am helpless.

He came
To relieve you of your pain
And to remind me to live my life
Before he comes for me.

dead in my life

pre-text: written after a painful break up. thinking about the end of a r/s as a death...and losing my precious bambi...this one seems fit.

muse: jnp

it's been so long now
and i am still mourning the loss
of you

you died
in my life

no more laughs
only memories that hurt
no more tears
only tears of grief i cry
no more us together
only faded pictures to call my own
no more talking about our life as one
only shattered dreams
no
more "i love you forever"s
only my love forever

you died
in my life

except you are living
in your own life now
and
i still can't accept that
you died

in my life

loser

pre-text: written a long while back...but it seems like this 'situation' still holds true. games are not all that fun when you lose. for those who play games with your partner, and end up losing both the game and your loved one.

muse: jnp

i let you go
then I wanted you back
you came back
and met me half way
I wanted it all, like before
Ping-Pong game

I called you but you did not pick up
I wrote but you never replied
I cried but you never cared
I apologized but you never forgave
Squash game

It has all along been about me
What I wanted, what I needed
I never wanted to play games with you
Cause I know I will lose
And I did

I lost you.

the irony of it all

pre-text: random thoughts collected over time...or rather several weeks...presented in prose

muse: people around me, people i have come in contact with

parents didn't give you what you need
so you put your hand out
to ask for what you want
working out and eating healthy, looking good
all just to build a shrine of a better, more perfect you
to attract followers that will worship you
living in polluted cities, eating processed foods with all the bad stuff they tell you about
then rushing off to the pharmacy and popping the vitamins and minerals
hoping to balance your body chemicals
buying pretty clothes, expensive makeup, flashy jewellery
to hide the self you are afraid other won't accept
trying to fill that empty void within
eventually becoming the empty shell you swore you would never be
searching around still for "happy ever afters"
because that is your only fighting chance
against being too jaded for a young soul
the person in front of you right now is THE one
only until the next best thing comes along
then you wonder what you were thinking then
nitpicking at anything we can get our hands on
so that we can pre-empt our reactions when shit hits the fan
should just let nature take its course cuz it's going to happen anyway
telephone, fax, email, messenger services, text messenging, snail mail, video conferences and what not
but why are we not making ourselves any clearer
i need to see you face to face to hear what you truly mean
always reminding ourself that its the small things in life that matter
the inner beauty, true colors of a person
yet we judge the way he talks, the way she walks and the car he drives
the grass is always greener on the other side
until you look over the other fence and see another greener patch
and realise grass is green no matter where it is, why not stick to your own
get rid of the old thinking the new is better
but when the novelty of it all wears off
you wish that you stuck it out with the old
you tend to hurt the ones you love most
almost testing the intensity of their love and loyalty to you
cause you know that they will stand by you no matter what shit you pull
quick to criticize the media for brainwashing, loose morals, wrong information and every other social problem
is it not a reflection of society, no doubt sometimes exagerrated
there's no way to run away from it
wanting to be like someone else because they are all you ever wanted to be
losing what you were meant to be
and never even knowing that you lost something you never had
then again i am no one to tell you all these ironies of life
when i am part of the problem
and making no effort to solve them.

walk into the horizon

pre-text: for someone who actively makes his dreams reality, his passion something tangible.

muse: sda

about a boy
who thought he became a man the night he turned twentyone
he knows what he knows
but he doesnt know what he doesnt know
push the boundaries of your life as you know it
out of this small town and into the world
walk into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack
meet new people engage in deep conversations
on politics, religion and this thing we call life
read books on philosophy
and apply them wholesale to his way of living
i am no one to criticise
but it does not seem wise to me
still go on and walk into the horizon
with passion for life burning strong in you
and if you have any left at the end of the day
write a song for me, a song about me
and sing it in a small obscure cafe
tapping your feet and swaying side to side
and write me a letter every few months
so i know you are still missing me
and yes go on walking into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack

fall

pre-text: the many ways you can fall.

muse: sda

fell in love with you
fell into a bed of roses together with you
fell out with you
fell out of the clouds
fell onto my knees
fell from your grace
fell into your bad books
fell apart into pieces
fell into solitary without you
and
now i am falling deeper and deeper
into this abyss of unknown

oh where are you now
did you not promise to catch me when i fall?

don't

pre-text: i am mad at him for all i mentioned...yet i can't seem to let him go. ironic. pathetic.

muse: sda

don't call me a drama queen
just because i cry everytime i think of you
isn't life a continous soap opera?
don't call me weak and lacking in confidence
when you are the one ripping it
out from within me
don't tell me to live in the moment
and you go run away from reality
each time it slaps you in the face
don't tell me you love me
when your words are empty
and your actions...they don't even exist
don't preach your life philosophies to me
because they should only apply to you
and my life is way more intense than your simple simple life
don't reach around me and hold me close
let all my emotions come spilling out
and walk away like nothing happened
don't pretend you are making sweet passionate love to me
when we both know its dwindled down
into plain detached friendly fucking
don't pretend i am the best you will ever have
cause i am just the best you have right now
and someone better will come along

most importantly
don't come back to me
because i don't want you
but i will take you back anyway.

voices

pre-text: been stuck in a rut for a long time, and have had friends tell me what i should do, what they think i should do...and of course i have 'significant' persons telling me things and then in the midst of it all, my little tiny voice within. all these just puts voices in my head!

muse: ironically, sda and all my friends who know abt the shit gg on with him

i heard what you said
or did i hear what i wanted
and interpreted what you said differently
when you meant something else
i grew accustomed to believing what you told me
good and bad, truth and lies
and now you are just playing with my mind

you care and you show it
constantly there, never pushing, just supporting
i cry, whine, bitch, scream and threaten to die
still you stand by me to remind me i am never really all alone
same old advice same old instructions
packaged in simplicity and vigourous exasperation
i've heard it all i've heard it all

florence, you are better than this you know it!
you are smart and beautiful (i am not! am i?)
you don't need a guy like him, there are better guys out there (where? where?)
you have to let go (but i love him!)
it is his loss, not yours ( but he is the one leaving me!)
fuck him fuck him and his bullshit his fucking lifestyle his fucking fucked-up attitude (yeah! fuck him!)
listen to yourself, florence, listen to yourself (yes, listen...)

shut up just shut up all of you
i cannot analyse your hidden meanings and ulterior motives
i cannot process your good-willed intentions
i cannot debate with the voices within me
i need everyone around me to keep really quiet
and let me deal with this on my own terms in my own time
but love me any way.

my father

pre-text: i wrote this for my daddy last yr but i didnt have the guts to give it to him...so im sending it in the card that im mailing home for father's day this year. i hope he likes it.

muse: my daddy!!!! :)

my father
i call him daddy, papa at times
whichever gets me my way
people say i look like my father
i have his big talking eyes
his smile, that comes from the heart
even his malay-looking skin
we both tan way too easily

my father
he is the strong, silent type
does not talk nearly as much as me, hardly ever complains
he has his ways of doing things
his stubborn way of thinking
always giving, and never asking for anything in return
everything, he takes in his stride
his nag is not constant, yet amazingly powerful

my father
taught me always to do good
never to slam doors or tables, even when angry
money, he agrees, is meant to be spent
but only wisely
he dresses in his own fashion, which isn't all that bad
he shows me what it means to be yourself and not worry about others
other wise words he often tells me are:
self-discipline, moderation, focus, respect, and family

my father
leads by example
by doing what he has to do
and what he can do
he respects my granny and my aunts
and he volunteers at charitable organizations
he continues to work hard, even at 60 for us, for me
and he is always grateful for what he has
never feeling sorry or pity for himself

my father
and i have something special, something unspoken
we understand each other in someway
i have never heard him say sorry
neither have i heard him say i love you
i guess he has other variations of his own
like we care about you, we looked after you for so long
take care of yourself, don't go out too late
we are thinking of you, the dog misses you
but i know what he means underneath all that

my father
is the first man in my life life
and most probably the most important one too
it may not always seem like the case
but i guess that is the way it goes
my father
is not the wealthiest man or the most powerful one around
but to me
he is my pillar of strength and support, and my sheild
to me, my father is the world's greatest.

your voice your words

pre-text: sometimes silence is really the best thing to do...when you have nothing 'good' to say to each other. i always miss his voice and i would want to hear it but after we talk, i feel lousier. it is because i hear what he has to say, what his plans are and they all only make me feel like shit. i rather deal with my own voices in my head than his voice on the fone and in my head.

muse: sda

i need to shut you up
shut your voice in my head in my life
you tell me all these things
you say you mean it you say you did not mean it you say you did not mean it that way
i cannot differentiate between your truth and lies your honesty and insincerity

all i hear is your words as they come right out of your mouth
it is so loud that that i cannot think
i cannot hear myself anymore
my life is already built around you
and now my mind is conquered too

i turn your words inside out outside in
analyse in from all angles
break it down letter by letter
consider tone and context
no space left to even seek my own perspective

i am totally exhausted with you
nothing for me to say because you have heard it all
know not what to convince you of
because we have no future together
and no common ground left

losing you now is no longer a big deal
because i have nothing else left to lose.

speed dating

pre-text: 'love' in our generation

muse: jb

hello how are you
my name is Florence
shake my hand and yes, you can hold on to it
kiss me quick
passionate sighs and heavy breathing
your hands all over me and mine over you
now we are naked and vulnerable
and we become one in passion and desire
then reality hits us like a boomerang
what just happened, we ask
it is not a one night stand because i do like you
but guess what, we do not have any more time on our hands
no time to figure each other out
you head your way while i stumble along my way
you see, we only had time for our actions to speak for us.

a slap in the face

pre-text: wrote this after i got slapped in the face by my dad. not something i am too proud of but it happened. and it happened when i was at this point in my life where i couldn't really care less for anything.

muse: daddy

a slap in the face
and not a drop of tear
the sudden swoop on my face stings
my ears, i hear them ring
but i almost welcome the numbing pain
gives me an excuse to cry a pouring rain
standing in front of you, i just don't know what to do
i can hear your boiling blood pumping through you
i feel breathless as you heave
you ask me the same old questions, i only want to leave
so i don't have another person to answer to
cause you and me makes two
i smoke and i drink and i swear
i push you to your limits as much as i dare
maybe i am just testing your patience and maybe your love
because i got fucked so bad, everything's a blur
can't find no answers to nothing, i turn to distractions
self aware of my ways of self destruction
i ride on the fleeting highs
in hope to counterbalance the lows in my mind
no it does not do me good in the long run
but it was never my goal to be a nun
i indulge in the vices whilst i long for something sturdy, steadfast and strong
something you have been offering me all along
yet i pull out and push you away
give up on me, that is all i can say
let me dwell in my bottomless hole, grapple with my issues
and fight my own demons because now i don't need you

selfish bitch

pre-text: some version of obsessive love.now that i read it, it scares even me.

muse: sda

i pull you in so close to me
and it almost feels victorious
you make me feel so complete that I fall apart within
and I drag you down with me
you say we make each other weak
i say together we are strong
my hidden fears and insecurities act up and you feel bad for me and with me
your secret glorious past puts you on a pedestal so high i cannot reach
you and i do nothing but still hurt each other’s soft spots
but it is the very fact you hurt me this way that
i think i love you
you know why i hurt and how i hurt
and you try everything to make me feel secure
maybe i just want to remember you for all you are
to hold on how you make me feel when you are gone
yes i am a selfish and almost manipulative bitch
and i wonder how you can want me, or even love me
i suppose i want you to feel me with all my intensity
so you will not ever forget me, i want to be your only
special and great one

yes I am a selfish and manipulative bitch

nomad

pre-text: written after self-realization that i am constantly leaving...people that i love, for short or long periods of time. esp. after i left sg for usa. guess it can apply to those who travel around...or leave their home country to find a 'second home' only to leave it again to go somewhere else...constantly on the move.

muse: me

A nomad
That is me
I come and go
And I say goodbye
It hurts to know nothing is forever anymore
That I cannot be with everyone at the same time
I don’t want to go
Leaving one place to go some other place
Only to leave again
I am not strong enough to keep on saying bye
Just when I am detached and cold
People warm up to me and touch my heart
And then it hurts me all over again
To say goodbye
It could be a “see you later”
But things will never be the same
Change, which is what this, is all about.
I can never deal with change.
I just want things to be like before.
I do not want to be a nomad.

only so much

pre-text: built-up frustration of loving or caring about someone who doesn't appreciate the simple fact you are always around for them.

muse:( i'm sure it is some undeserving...) boy

you live your life
and fill me in once in a while
you chase your crazy dreams
and i bring out the pom-poms
you smile and laugh, you are happy
and i feel for you, with you
you cry and kick and scream
and i sit faithfully by you, being your silent strength

i try to make you see how i feel
and you just brush me aside
i give you my all and build my world around you
and you prance within, in your own bubble
i promise you i will always be yours
and you use me like a safety net
i offer you my love
and you patronize me sufficiently

only so much
only this much
i can give to you
and you do not even know

my needs

pre-text: written during a dark time...putting someone above yourself ALL the time can honestly drain you dry of life.

muse: sda
i am empty inside now
given you all that i have and all that i haven't got
part of me wishes there was more that i could offer
but part of me knows that you ain't worth it
it is not because i no longer love you
i love you i really do
but i have to stop now and put my needs before yours
you are used to my unconditional giving and loving
so much that you expect it from me unconsciously
and this is not what i want
i am only human and i am selfish
i want to feel the way i make you feel
that you can count me to be around, to be dependent on me
to know the love i have for you is constant and true
i want to feel that way
but you aren't doing it for me, not anymore
so i got to go
i rather be alone and open to happiness
than shut in a world of weakness with you

a hug

pre-text: don't remember who or why i wrote it for. but i like it nevertheless!

muse: someone that i've hugged


a hug
is not like a kiss
not at all invasive
a hug
is not like sex
not always intimate

a hug
breaks down barriers of space and feelings
a hug
speaks for itself
a hug says
i am your friend
a hug says
i have you and you have me
a hug says
you can cry on my shoulder
a hug says
you can let it all out, but i am not letting you go
a hug says
i am here, i will always be here
a hug says
i embrace you for you, all of you
a hug says
feel my energy flow from me to you
a hug says
i may not be be able to protect you always, but i will still try
a hug says
i see past all of you and i still love you

and right now
all i need is such
a hug