i think i love you

pre-text: one of my older poems...written when me and sda just started going out. reading it now, i still feel the butterflies fluttering in my tummy!

muse: sda

you said i love you
then you said no, i like you i like you

you said i love your kisses, i love you
then i was silent

you said i love you
and i was silent

you said i think i do
and then i said
i think i do too.

trapped in myself

pre-text: sudden pang of worthlessness hit me. ( i think this feeling's always been ard, just that i ignore it or block it and it comes and hits me in my head on a fairly regular basis). i didnt go looking ard to talk to anyone but sda called and we talked. i felt a lil better but i still know i need to look within myself to feel good abt myself and my life.

muse: sda (got to give him some credit...)


thoughts run zigzag all over my mind
creating a maze that i cannot find my way out of
i go around a corner and another wall springs out
like random fancy philosophy
that is used to make satisfactory sense of the un-understood

my eyes are wide open but completely blind
i listen to voices within and outside of me
turn left turn right do this do that
each wall i feel seems strangely familiar
yet different and refreshing in a sick sick way

follow your gut follow what is inside
i can not do that
this is reflexive this is self-consuming
flaws and strengths blended into one
the hero in this story is the victim

and that is me.

give

pre-text: realised that there is a limited number of times you can not give up on something...u reach that point where you realise you have no other choice but to do that...and you console yourself and call it "letting go". ive given up on not giving up anymore.

muse: sda

give a little bit give a little bit more
give until you have nothing left
then give some more
eventually you give in and

give up.

The Sorry Stranger by Paul McCann

pre-text: i was just surfing online for poems, trying to get my mind of s...and this came up. i feel like it's perfect...how it describes i feel towards him.

muse: sda

If I could turn back time or take back what I said,
I would.
I'm sorry for being unkind.

The regret I have of loving you
Is that I hurt you.
Now we are strangers in our time.

Although they say out of sight and out of mind,
I will always remember when you were mine.

our truth

pre-text: been thinking a lot abt sda and me and what happened or did not happen, what could have been done and what would have happen if...basically, WHAT....????

muse: sda


strings upon strings of thoughts
tangle up inside my head
every second every minute I pick at them
trying to gather some sense some reason some explanation
of how things ended up like this
acts and scenes I replay, adding new twists and turns
seeing if i can find our happy ending
same old sob story to the same old few
them too tired to listen, me too tired to repeat
again and again and again
should i throw out this convulated mess of truths
and never find out what we did wrong
or sit and dwell and maybe never find anything anyway
i miss you
and how we never had to sugarcoat
our words, our thoughts, our feelings
presenting them in the essence of their core
then they began to hurt us
and we became more careful, more guarded
leading us to where we are now
seems like the very thing that brought us together
has now driven us apart

i exist

pre-text: i was sitting at baird point in ub on a sunny wednesday afternoon. it was so beautiful out...i was with thousands of students and i was alone all at the same time.

muse: the weather?

i sit and squint
smile to myself and go 'hmmmmmmm.............'
the sun caresses my face like a long lost lover
the wind and warmth against my skin, i turn toward the sun
just like a girl who longs to be touched
in a distance i hear rubber tires spinning over hard tar
reminding me of modern technology bringing us to places we want to go, in life
around me and overheard, birds are chirping, squabbling
in a language i know not of
somehow they remind me
to rejoice in simple existence
to enjoy living, to enjoy this moment in time
no need for waned company
no need for cameras to capture moments or memories
this feeling within can only be experienced, lived and cherished
a million postcard-perfect shots of this sky, the lake can never
recreate the wind against my skin, the sunshine on my face
i do not need anyone, or any deep philosophical thoughts
just knowing i exist, that i am me in this vast world
makes me content.

do not bother

pre-text: written out of frustration when someone tries to suck up to you when you have already got used to/given up/ got fed up expecting things/feelings from people. you just reach this point where you wanna tell them ' please don't bother now. it makes me sick and disgusted to see how pathetic you look trying to do anything. too late buddy!'

muse: sda and others in the past for sure

do not bother to make me happy anymore
don't buy flowers,
or don't make surprise middle-of-the-day i-am-thinking-of-you phone calls
don't send love letters or postcards
or buy or even make gifts

no need to prove to me that you care about me and how i feel
(or maybe now you come to realise that i do mean something more to you than you thought i did)
it is not too little too late, it is over

the times when you said i was too sensitive, too demanding
too this too that
fuck you and all your bullshit
take that load of crap with you and get the fuck out of my life
you dwindle me down so small so you can get your way
no way am i going to deal with your hidden insecurities and fears anymore
your happiness at my expense is too much of a self-sacrifice for me

i do not expect anything ever from you
try to surprise me, i challenge you
just don't make me vomit in my mouth when i see you fail what something you try at
let this be a lesson to you:
never take me for granted

hero

pre-text: felt like i was living my life for someone else...the sacrificial aspect kinda wore out...the flesh is wanting and the spirit is weak.

muse: sda

look for another hero
because i can't be the one you want me to be
i am just like you, maybe just a little more
naive and a hopeless romantic
done all, done more. said all said more
time for nothing
nothing left inside me to give you, nothing left within me
nothing left for us to save , as we slowly dissolve into nothingness
both too tired, both only willing to give one thing:
give up
compromise is now abstract
you, you won't give up any part of you for me, for us
i, i gave up all of me for you, for us
we end up losing what we got, and each other
you may cry a little, reminicise a little
and you go on with your life
someday you'll think of me and miss me and
still think you made the rigt decision
and someday i'll think of you
and smile, with a quivering lower lip.

interesting words

pre-text: i went to a poetry slam in oneonta with s, and one of the guys said this. short and sweet. makes you go...'hmm...'

muse: erm...guy from osc poetry slam team (after all, these are his words, not mine!)

live for the moment,

die for the occasion.

lies and truths: they hurt

pre-text: written after i found out i was lied to by someone...to think all along i felt guilty and fucked up because i thought i messed things up. my truth was his lie.

muse: jnp

Sick and tired of listening to lies
Every single word you said
Mere lies
I refuse to demand the truth from you anymore
I trust too easy
I give too much
I expect too much
And now my hurt is too deep
To ever believe in anything anymore
I do not even want to blame you
For anything you said or did
Or the everything you did not say or do
I guess it is okay
I have learnt today
That lies and truths
It does not matter which it is
They all hurt just the same

empty

pre-text: another product of my 'dry' season...

muse: jnp and other passerbys in my life



the hole has been growing bigger
with each single day
with each single blow from you
and you
and you

my tears no longer have meaning
my eyes beg not to cry anymore
my heart is tired
of beating
of aching
of hurting
of breaking

i try not to think of you of us
i try not to listen to songs that were ours
i try not to miss you
and that just makes it all gush
out of the hole
into open space of nothing

and like the nothingness that all my feelings and thoughts have become
i have become empty and null within

switch off my soul

pre-text: written during my 'dry' season...the use of 'dry' is highly ironic here because i was on an emotional drought and an alcoholic flood within my bodily system..hahaha...

muse: no one in particular


change the weather
drain the ocean
melt the moon
turn off the sun
shuffle the seasons
count the sand
juggle the stars
convert the pope
sprint the walk
mute the music
glorify the sinners
lock up the keys
tarnish the laws
peirce the holes
darken the smile
wind the time
live the future
eat the thirst
laugh the sobs
beat the heart
grow the love
twist the psyche
lick the pain
crush the shattered
grope the feelings
dream the reality
end the eternity
question the answers
fuel the tears
fuck the sex

and when you are with that
remember to
switch off my soul

moving stationary

pre-text: had this nagging feeling within me for weeks...never knew how to put it into words. then it jumped right out at me when i was doing a reading for a class...funny how life gives u little signals...that u usually can't miss

muse: sda ( i guess he's the catalyst )

going around in circles
feeling the walls of an ever-changing maze
jumping through hoop after hoop
reaching for higher and higher
and still i am stuck in the same place

i thought i knew the way out of there
to try harder than i could
to give more than i had
to sacrifice more than i would
and still i never got anywhere

now i realise even all that i am not
will not ever be good enough for you
yet i will keep on going at it
until the point of no return
where i lose myself totally

there is bittersweet comfort in
doing something for the sake of doing it
knowing full well nothing is going to change
stuck like a mouse on an excercise wheel
i am moving stationary

bury me please

pre-text: clearly feeling very sucidal then..at least within. i felt dead inside...and wished someone could just do me the favor of ending my misery.

muse: jnp

I see myself sitting here
I feel the blood running through every inch of me
The plaque latching to the walls
Refusing to let go
Building and building and killing and killing me
Slowly, oh so slowly

I want so bad to be near you
To smell you and breathe in your breath
Does not matter now or any more
What happened
Grown out of me grown out of us
You could care less if I lived or die
But I do not die for you
I do not want to die for you
You don’t care why should you care
Why should I die for you

I always thought loving you would be forever
And it is I just never knew that it did not matter
Forever or not
Move on move on suck it up and move on with your life
I am I am
I am dragging my battered self across time
I am sprawled all over
My guts are spilled out

I do not show it
Does not mean I do not think of you
About me
And how I fucked you up bad
No one knows how fucking hard it is
How fucking disgusted I feel
How I want to rip out every piece of flesh in my body
And feed it to the animals

If I could I would just die
I am not a loser like they say
I am a winner
I just do not want to live a lie
Telling myself it will be all okay someday
I believe in complete truth

It is not your fault at all
I know you won’t think it’s your fault
It’s all my own doing
I dug my grave
Ever since the day I was born
You are just the lucky one that didn’t get pulled down with me
Now I just lie here
Waiting for someone kind enough to throw the first handful of soil
Bury me please

away from myself

pre-text: i have never felt this all-over-the-place feeling before...its not the typical confused/disoriented/mellow/nostalgic bullshit we feel from time to time. i can't seem to describe it in words, it just makes me feel like screaming and crying and laughing and needy ALL at the same time

muse: myself with contributions from people in my life, past and present

i need to get out of here
out of my skin out of this reality
disgusted by my very own sickened insides
sick and tired of feeling and thinking
and expressing it out loud
to have this shit i know so well bounce off you and unto me again
or have you analyze from your perspective and reintroduce it to me
no more deep thinking and unfinished last cries
done with being cynical, skeptical and jaded ( and any other word that describes
absolute hopelessness )
it has gotten old this idea of passion and never giving up on anything or anyone
been squeezing life out of the core of my dead being
till the emptiness is now nothing
ought to get away from you and the me that i am when i am with you
have to find the me i gave up for you
being alone is no longer any comfort
have to tear what is left of the me I used to know apart from the self i am now
so i will no longer self-destruct
i need to save myself because you won’t.

vicious cycle of love

pre-text: the clarity tt came after the most intense fight i've been in...tt love with its best intentions can hurt both the person you love and your own self.

muse: sda



we both are confused and we both don’t know
what we want for ourselves what we want from each other
i love you with the core of my being and i cannot let you go
but i end up suffocating you with this passionate love of mine
and forcing you to reciprocate the same affection
i deserve to be loved the way you are loved by me
with the same complete devotion of body and soul
but you offer me less and less each time
still i love you more and more
pretenses i put up and smiles i fake
all to give you that buzz within
why do i do this for you why do i do this to myself
maybe my purpose in your life is to show you
that love can be this embracing
so that you may find someone worthy enough of your love
and i go on making my way to find someone in need of my love
then you will truly know that my love for you is purely unconditional.

promiser

pre-text: love-hate r/s. you know how love someone so much yet at the same time you hate their guts to the very core of their existence..

muse: i don't remember now but i think 'undeserving asshole/s' may be appropriate.

u promise me u cross your heart and swear on your life
all because you want me to remind you when you fall
you just need someone to believe in you
when you doubt your very own self
make use of me take advantage of me
why don't you?
i am your willing sacrifical victim

saying one thing and doing another
u do not see your actions deafen me
i can no longer hear you your lies and your truths
heard those lies before yet the truth still hurts
the pain and anger have mellowed they brew quietly within
i know you inside out and outside in
but i still love you and want you more

you and me are one, selfish shameless creatures
we just excecute our schemes in different manner
you are disgusted by me and almost hate me
because i am your inner desires and fears
that you are too scared to be the person you really are
i think you ought to love me because you know inside you do
i am what you love and hate in living flesh

so right now go on living your life as a lie
make promises you can keep and feel honorable
be the person you want others to think you are if that makes you happy
come to me for a happier time i will blow your mind
you can be your true dirty honest self with me i will embrace you
i promise you that you know i will deliver
because i am not like you.

me

pre-text: written in my junior college years...my lit teacher mr dennis yeo told us to rewrite jewel's 'me' poem...and this is what i came up with. talks about how i felt then...and i guess i still feel like very much like that.

muse: self (i suppose)


I have hair
Very fine indeed
That I got from my mother
I have my father’s smile
And when I smile, I show my teeth
I have brown eyes, I was told
And often a runny nose
I like the smell of paint
My past loves brought me pain
I’ve wanted to marry a pilot
I’ve always lied to my parents
But my hair is still fine
And my nose continues to run
And I’ll probably lie to my parents
And never marry a pilot

I have thoughts
That I don’t
I read magazines from the back
Often than not, I don’t give a fuck
I have big knuckles
I laugh too
With a cuckle
I wanted to diet
And never got to it
I cry at night
I don’t know why
But I still have big knuckles
And try to diet
And still cry
All alone at night

sunday

pre-text: i was lying in bed one lazy sunday afternoon, back in sunny singapore. and i just felt so sunny inside! so i decided to write an ode to the sun/sunnyness. :P

muse: sunday

sunday
i know why they call it
sunday

sunday
is a beautiful day
sun-day
two words that mean one same thing

on sunday
the sun shines especially different
it crawls out in the morning, lazier than ever
and hangs up in the sky, faithful as ever

on sunday
the sun shines with a peculiar intensity
makes you wish you were at the beach
whilst you are lazing at home, but contented

on sunday
the sun rays are what colors your daydreams
heats up the passion within you
and smothers you with nurturing life energy

on sunday
the sun smiles on you
and tells you you made it through the week
and it'll see you soon, next sunday

sunday
i know why we call it
sun-day.

fighting

pre-text: written after an entire day of physical and emotional fighting.
muse: sda
hours after hours of fighting, we surrender ourselves to exhaustion
forgetting what actually caused this chaos and commotion
we take turns to point the finger of blame
shout, scream, yell and call each other names
so many times this has happened
and so many times our relationship has ended
still we cling onto whatever's left
cause we think we love each other to death
the same old problems, the usual conclusion
we apply new rules and regulations, new terms and conditions
and hope we make it this time
sometimes i think you aren't meant to be mine
i want to let you go and be happy on your own
yet i want to be the best lover you've ever known

i limbo between holding onto you, letting all i feel inside show
and loving you and letting you go
i wish i knew the best choice
if only if my actions were as loud as my voice
i would find the courage to do
what's best for me and you.