words overkill,feelings shortchanged.

Love Letter to my Morning Coffee

2011-06-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

pre-text: Just a literal interpretation of something visceral

muse: Gloria Jean's Cafe Mocha

As I cup you tightly in my hands
I hold you snug and close to me
Like you are the only thing that has ever mattered
You wake me up to life
And I'm reduced to a child- like gratefulness each morning
The heat permeates through the cup
Warm and fuzzy
From my hands to my heart
I lower my nose down for a gentle yet deep breath
And then I go "ahhh", letting go all the troubles I've yet to accumulate
This intimate ritual is my personal morning therapy
To start me off right
My quivering lip lowers down to taste you
Anticipation builds every time as if we were meeting for the first time
Will you burn me? Or will you be bold and strong? Maybe you will kill me with your sweetness
And then we finally come together and as I swallow cautiously
I feel you down my throat and then all throughout my being
You return the favor, you envelope me whole in your flavor
Every cell in my body feels like it is should: content
And then all is right with the world, and life.

My group of friends called Grief.

2011-04-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

pre-text: A self-reflexive look at the different stages of grief. Knowing and acknowledging each one is the first step. As losses accumulate, the physical and tangible losses evolve into the loss of something deeper and intangible.

muse: for those who have lost someone or something. or simply hope.

Oh Denial, you are my SOS
The first one on the scene when shit hits the fan
I can count on you for support
You are always on my side
Seeing things the way I do from where we stand

Bargaining, there you stand
At the corner of False Hope and Reality
Sometimes we win together
Most of the time, I end up losing
You are a tough sell, a big deal of nothing

Anger, you and me can take on the world
It's us against them, we are invincible
I got your back and you got mine
Alone I am passively stewing inside, together we are explosive
We are on the same team in the blame game

Debbie downer is your nickname, Depression
The sound of your name compresses my being,squeezing the life out of my life
You get easier to deal with each time, I must say
Familiarity does not breed contempt
But ease and comfort

Acceptance, I am serious about you but you treat me as a fling
Our time together is real and genuine, and always too brief
Just when I think we are ready to take it to the next level
You leave me and I go sleep with Anger,Depression and Denial, and sometimes Bargaining.
It's a one-sided love affair that's bittersweet at best

Closure is not something to seek
But the close circle of friends I call Grief
Who enclose me within as I sit on this rollercoaster ride called Life
As I go up and down, round and round until it is a big blur
I am grateful for these friends, they have practically become family.

seasons of life

2011-02-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

pre-text: the only thing that catches up with age is age itself and the inevitable aches and pain. bodily aches and emotional pain. seeing that the body does not last forever, the notion of seeking something greater than the materials of life while maintaining the health and well-being of body, mind and soul is repeatedly drummed.

muse: family and friends

i do not recall very much of Spring
sometimes i feel its vitality, a sudden surge in my veins
the smells were fresh and untainted
colors bright and vivid, like a lucid dream
and the lightness of being, ah the lightness

Summer came, and was gone too soon
busy living in the moments
to think of what was to come
when i look back at the snapshots in my mind
i say " wasn't this yesterday?"

Fall has arrived, the leaves are falling and I fall into the limbo
stuck in between the peak and the bottom
it is time for one last hurrah
remember to live now in the now
for it slips too quickly into the past, and the future is catching up

the silent falling of snow softens the harshness of Winter cold
we shiver within as we crave the warmth of body and soul
thinking back, we did as good as we could
for it is too late to right the wrongs
and right about time to move on and along.

untitled

2010-02-08T20:27:00.000-08:00

pre-text: for the moments when you think you were emotionally in the clear, and then you go crashing down into that deep dark pit. all over again.

muse: those who have gone

crazy young loves have drained me of passion
the song that plays on the radio
shakes my soul within
do i slip into your consciousness like a old habit
the butterflies have eloped with the dragonflies
they knew better they saw it coming
but we stayed
you went along your way and i on mine
but the world is not big enough for me to lose you
you crawl out of the crevices of my mind
and i want to lose my head

my heaven

2008-05-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i am not sure when i wrote this....i came across this scribbled on a Travelodge memo stashed in my memos..

muse: must be on a plane..or on a trip

heaven is above the the clouds
when the sun shines steadily
it casts an orange glow
on all the cottonballs
some big, others small
some thin and wisp
some full and hearty
the sun is on its own horizon
setting on a thin wafer-like cloud
i want to bounce from one cloud to the other
and not fall to earth
play like an angel
without a care in the world
and then i do
the sun's lost and i am fumbling
tossed head over heels
my arms are flailing and my legs are out of control
caught in a aero-wave
i come crashing down to earth
will i die?
maybe if i die, i can go to heaven again
for a joyride

rational fall

2007-11-04T11:48:00.001-08:00

pre-text: yes you can fall in love...but after falling and getting your heart broken repeatedly, you learn how to fall. in life, you fall forward with your hands stretched out or backwards on your butt. they call it protective extension. in love, you fall with...logic and rationality. either way, you fall.

muse: pl

you were foreign to me
invading my space
breaking down my walls
i forgot how it feels
to be suffocated
by passion and desire
i lived from hour to hour
mile to mile
now i long to be close to you
your warmth melts away my fears
i want you so close i feel your blood throbbing
maybe then your goodness will rub off on me too
i am learning still to let you in
and keep you in my life
so let me be where you are
whenever the moon and sun change their shifts

thoughts

2007-11-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

pre-text: it's been a while..and these were old random thoughts that still come to mind from time to time.

muse: good old experiences

squeeze the clouds, wring them dry
hold on tight to your dreams before they fly away
our clocks chime in sync
but never at the same time
like line dancing we learn steps to the song of life
only to have it change when we get it down
answering questions and questioning answers
round and round till it loses all meaning to question
honesty does not stab you in the back
but shoots you in the foot and leaves you stranded with the truth
keep on smiling keep on trudging keep on searching
end up settling for entities of happiness
love is unconditional dependent of worthiness
sell forever in units of diamonds
the sun shines down upon us all
but it feels hotter here than there
you get greedy when you want
bigger, faster, better, more
you get content when you want what you need and nothing else
you get sad when you do not know what you want at all
secrets do not keep you secure in the inner circle
they trap you in guilt and paranoia
sometimes is always this time
and you wonder why
hanging onto that one person
only to have them hung up on someone else
between layers of clouds, time almost seems to slow down
limbo in a world beyond description
night has not fallen, the sun has not risen
the world just keeps on spinning.

nook in my neck

2007-07-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i wrote this for a friend who wasn't having the greatest time of his life...and it's funny because i've never met him...but i wished really badly to be beside him to offer the nook in my neck. i guess there are many times when someone you know is crying and you have no idea what to do, but offer the nook in your neck to them.

muse: kr

i want to tuck your hair back
get it out of your eyes
and wipe that stray tear off the corner of your eye
stroke your cheeks
hold still that quivering lip of yours
lean a little closer into me
it is okay to let it go
let it out and let them fall
those feelings you cannot decide on
and the defenses, the pretences
cuddle into the nook of my neck
i believe it was shaped for such things
to say i know how you feel
would be trying too hard
maybe even a big fat lie
you do not know what you want
answers and solutions may not even suffice
i shall not offer anything
but the nook of my neck

lovebeat

2006-11-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

pre-text: was thinking of how hk's love for me is always constant, i say mean things and he puts up with it. and the times i called roo over the past few wks crying..and tonight when i called home to granny, mummy and diana. i have family and friends who loved me over the years, near or far, fat or skinny, nice or not...unconditional. and im blessed.

muse: those who love me

countless days like fleeting like clouds in the sky
countless nights like stars in the universe
seasons came and gone as nature’s work
time timed through the fine grains of an hourglass
your love is like the beating of my heart
constant and consistent
each beat is matched with a pulse of love from you
there are moments of quiet slow calming love
and then there are moments of excitement and passion
oh, do not forget the angry painful ones
when I am so blinded by hate and hurt
then I hear my heart pounding
and I remember your love for me
stronger and louder than ever
days passing by like wind blowing across the land
nights floating over like waves in the ocean
seasons coming and going, recycling the cycle
present becoming the past and future becoming the present with each tick of the clock
your love is the beating of my heart
an ethereal union of the two
and when my heart stops beating
i know your love will still live on.

maybe

2006-10-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

pre-text: you know how shows on tv always end the emo episode with "maybe..." sometimes it's one word...sometimes it is something 'profound'. it leaves me feeling...what they want: emotional. then i remember the moments i think of when i used maybes...and this is what i came up with.

muse: maybe my emotions? (no pun intended)

Maybe may be the most uncertain word.
Maybe can stand alone.
Maybe can be yes and no all at the same time.

Maybe suggests a possibility.
Maybe gives you some hope
Maybe can mean I do not know but I do not want to admit it.

Maybe is soft, not hard cold rejection or strong passionate confirmation
Maybe is between extremes, a safe limbo to be in.
Maybe is indecisive, maybe even fickle.

It may be it all maybe is.

take care of your heart

2006-05-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i've been toying with this idea of the heart...its physical importance in our bodies, and of course in our emotional life. most probably not how i wanted it written or how i had it in my head. but rather random ramblings. seems to be having quite a couple of these moments these days.

muse: those who have touched my heart

Heart disease is a lifestyle disease
Determined by daily choices we make
Of the food we eat
Determined by small and big choices we make
In life

Careful not to let your heart beat too fast
Your mortal body might not be able to catch up
If your heart slows down too much
That isn’t good either
Make each beat strong and powerful

Follow your heart
It is the engine of your soul
Use your head
It is the control center of your being
Together, use your head to follow your heart

And should there be conflict
Sit down and think about it
Feel it coursing through your blood
Weigh what is at stake with what you value
You will find a balance, most of the time

Do not let your heart get soft
This way, you are vulnerable to the scheming
Do not let your heart get hard
You might not feel anything then
Have a humble and open heart

Leap for joy and happiness
Your heart should celebrate good things in life
Grief if you need to, but not too long
A broken heart syndrome can very well lead to a heart attack
Take your heart on a rollercoaster ride

If someone should break your heart
Know that time will heal it
But scars may always remain
It is alright, no one looks at it anyway
They only care if you are willing to give your heart to them, and how much

Cut the lock of fear, cut the lock of hurt
You only end up keeping it all in, and alone
Open your heart and let others in
To know you, your life and the being in your shell
It can be quite liberating

Heart disease is a lifestyle disease
Of emotions and of physical well-being
You have a choice
To live and love
Healthily and happily

Love should be enough

2006-05-03T21:19:00.000-07:00

pre-text: honestly, the words spilled out of my head. dunno if it makes any sense or not...but i guess the idea is..when u say the word "love" as a noun or a verb...it automatically means...true, honest, everlasting, constant, passionate love. there's no need to say "i really love you" or " i love you forever". it's a given.

muse: to all my loved ones.

Love is enough

It should not be true
It should not be forever
It should not be unconditional

It need not be declared
It need not be displayed
It need not be justified

It will not be simplified
It will not be complicated
It will not be overrated

Love is enough.

your song

2006-03-29T19:22:00.000-08:00

pre-text: after since i moved on from a part of my past...i get sucked back into it once in a while....when i hear a song that i think he would enjoy. and i guess everytime i hear one of those songs, there's this urge within me to pick up my phone and call him. but of cuz i never do. maybe this is the way to tell him that...

muse: sda

you always liked the songs with just the piano in the beginning
and the mellow voice of a jaded overgrown boy
who knows way too much for his own good
the words do not rhyme at the end
and it fades in and out, loud and soft
they repeat one line over and over
and sometimes it seems they whisper
as if for us to strain our ears
or maybe we were meant to feel it
and when the song ended
you wished there was more
even though you felt like crying after you heard it the first time.
your songs, i listen to them now
and think of you.

someone else

2006-03-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

pre-text: was browsing through my old poems and came across this one. written about 3 years ago...i felt sad reading it before. but now, i feel good...cuz i found that someone else. and he knows who he is.

muse: jnp

It has been quite some time now.

My love for you has become stale.
It is not active, just lying dormant in my heart and soul
Intergrated into a part of my being, like scar tissue

I have moved, along.
Tried new things, met new people
Opened my mind and heart to new philosophies of life.

I will always love you, like I told you before
But now I have to believe I have to hope
And to learn to not be scared
Or angry
Or bitter

I cannot decide whether I want or I need
Someone who can make me feel vulnerable and protected at the same time
Someone who will make me sing love songs from the heart and believe each word
Someone who is passionate and crazy about me as me him
Someone who will hold my hand and hug me tight
Someone who will kiss me gently at night when I sleep
Someone who can make me smile and laugh without constraint
Someone who can read my mind and feel the same way
Someone who loves life as much as I do
Someone who teach me how to open up again
Someone who will never go away
Someone who will love me and my flaws and my mistakes
Someone who will never let me go

That someone was once you
Now I have to find someone
Else.

the fog

2006-01-19T02:05:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written on the road as well... whilst we drove through the fog, i contemplated our future together.

muse: hk

the destination is definite but uncertain
the journey there, long or short, tumultuous or not
you and I both don’t know
just hold on to my hand
and we’ll feel this fog out together
if you should stumble. I’ll hold into you tighter
if i should hesitate to take another step, walk in front of me and urge me forward
but please don’t leave me behind
and if we should lose each other in the midst
listen to my voice and follow your heart
i promise not to lose patience with you
and you promise not to lose faith in us
our love will bring us back together
and then we’ll hold onto each other tighter than ever.

a night in germany

2006-01-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written when i was sitting in the car...driving underneath a clear night sky with my baby.

muse: hk

tuck the sun away to sleep
hang up the moon, turn it on till it’s soft and bright
pull down the curtain of night
and sprinkle it with stars
wind up a breeze and blow it gently across the sky
inch a little closer to me
go in a little deeper, feel my pulse in yours
look into my eyes and touch my soul
hold onto my hand till the sun wakes up again tomorrow

tissue paper lady

2006-01-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

pre-text: just some ramblings since ive been back.

muse: the stranger who sells tissue paper at the bus interchange

you stand at the same corner everyday
selling the same tissue paper everyday
"Tis-Sue-Pa-Per-One-Dol-Lar" is all you ever say

i walk past you
and wonder is this all you ever do
if this life you lead is true

today you are not at the usual spot
i must admit i find it odd
i think of you now, but i never thought.

an apology

2006-01-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

pre-text: reflected how i was being rather bitchy...given the challenging situation, the other person was being really understanding and sweet.

muse: hk

i thought i memorized every freckle on your face
every crease and wrinkle
the way the corner of your nose and mouth curl
when you smiled at funny things in life
my moments of loving you
oscillate between intense desperate passionate obsession
to plain despair
i must have forgotten how you feel
your love is as distant as you are
and i only seem to push you even further
to your limits to see how much can you take of me
my complains, my issues and my past emotional baggage
should know now not to shoot myself in the foot
and expect to get anywhere with you
i am sorry.

tell me

2005-12-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

pre-text: clearly i was confused and desperately 'obedient' at the point of writing.

muse: hk

tell me
how to love and let go
and if i do let go
how to love bravely still

tell me
how to love without possessing
to love without controlling
to love without demanding
to love without hurting the other

tell me
what to do with myself.

you hurt

2005-12-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i wrote this a while ago and had it saved on my school com. was feeling rather down then... now that i look at it, love should never ever hurt, at least not this way.
muse: sda

I do not want to blame you
For what you did or did not do, for what you meant or did not meant to say or do.
I do not want to blame you
For being who you are, your perfect self now tainted with dirtiness
Because I love you

You turn around and point the finger of blame at me
Say that I am the one fucking things up.
Remember I am harsher on me than on you
And that I have cursed myself a million times over before you did.
But I love you still

Nothing set in stone for us both, you say
I am the one who said we got to keep on working at us
Now doubts just keep popping out
Why bother with this now if we both know it will never work ever?
Because I love you?

I want to love you with all I have and more
Be your best and your everything and your last
But to do it at my expense is asking for more than I am willing to give
Been there, done there. So fuck that.
I love you but you hurt me.

Love should never hurt.

sad

2005-12-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i wrote this a couple weeks back because i was in some kind of a crossroads in my r/s with someone i love. it made me think about my past..and it made me sad. i still cant decide which is sadder.

muse: all the guys i've loved and some that i still love

which is sadder
to have loved and lost
or never to have loved at all

which is sadder
to love someone and realise that you have to go away
leave him and know he would not ever want you back
or to give your all and more
and realise he was never worth it at all
or to silently love him from afar, knowing that it is the only way
for him to be happy without you
or accept someone for all they are until they change
their feelings for you and leave
or to love someone wholeheartedly but
his heart's torn between people and places
or to want to suspend all logic and rationale to love him
but he is just not feeling as passionate as you
or love him and leave him and love him and leave him
playing love like a jackpot game
or to simply stop loving at all
because the hurt afterwards is just not worth it
or to keep on loving and believing
cause you do not know how else to be alive

which is sadder
to have loved and lost
or never to have loved at all

now

2005-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

pre-text: always been fascinated with the concept of time. and this is what i've come up with..for now. a short one tho.

muse: my inner thoughts

the certainty to have been
and the ability to be
now is the essence of time.

whisper

2005-11-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i've finally reached the point where i am not expecting anything in return for what i am giving. in this case, it's love. it's a strange place to be...liberating yet slightly painful.

muse: hk

i whispered it once
you seemed to have missed it
i whispered it a little louder
making sure you heard me this time around
you hugged me closer to you
and took a deep breath
i could feel your goosebumps raising on your skin
you were silent so
I bit my lip and asked boldly
if you felt it
and you nodded and held me tighter
then a tear leaked out of my eye

timeline

2005-11-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

pre-text: time is a tricky bastard.

muse: hk

we were in the same place at the same time
and we had the best time of our lives
then time passed and our time came to an end
off we go, moving along with time to a new place in life
maybe our paths may cross some day, if our timing's right again
do think of me from time to time
or sometimes when you miss me
the times we had would never come again
so please remember the time we were together.

fall romance

2005-11-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

pre-text: it makes me sad that finally when i've found someone good, i've got to let him go.

muse: hk

skin on skin, heart to heart
i hold onto you as tight as i can
i do not mean to cry
only want to remember how you feel
against me, and in me.

was not scared to be hurt
fear passed me by when i jumped into this
both feet in and now i am drowning
we both knew the ending from the beginning
but passion for life got the best of us

did not expect to fall deeper and deeper into you
you suck me in without even trying
you taste of love and happiness
and i do not ever want to stop kissing you
let alone let you go

and i know how lucky i am to have you
even for such a short while
cause you are meant for so much more
for some one worthier to love you
and call you their own

i do not know what to do
only what i have to do
i am going to love you the best way i can
and hope you feel it from your inside
when we finally say goodbye

questions about "i love you"

2005-10-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

pre-text: so much thought is put into this feeling we call love, from finding it to having found it and expressing it.

muse: hk

love or lust
my head or my heart, which should i trust
my head: a mere science concocted by neurotransmitters, thoughts and ideas communicated via synapses
my heart: a biomechanical pump of life that can be shut down by emotions

i think with my head and analyze it with my mind
i touch you all over and i feel you inside
i don't suppose it's lust, at least not for the most part
so i guess it must be love

should i tell you?
how should i tell you?
when should i tell you?
all but absolutely irrelevant questions

the bigger question
the greater fear
the crucial climax is
how would you react

would you look me back in the eye and recipocrate or
patronise me politely with a "me too" or
simply pretend it was gibberish that slipped my tongue or
kiss me deeply and tell me you love me too

maybe the question to ask is
am i expecting something in return for my expression of love or
am i worried that you do not feel the same way about me or
am i scared that you might be overwhelmed by my brutal sincere honesty

questions waiting to be answered
answers waiting to be questioned
and while you wait for me
know that i love you

tears/truth

2005-10-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

pre-text: stole this from someone else's website. beautifully describes one's reactions to hearing the truth, i've certainly been there!

muse: matthew (got to give credit to him!)

Sometimes you brush against a truth,
feeling it before you can say it,
and instead of theories or conclusions,
tears are the evidence it leaves.
- Dianna Ortiz: The Blindfold’s Eyes

when do i tell you?

2005-10-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

pre-text: contemplating the right time and right place to say "something stupid" (think that song by robbie williams and nicole kidman!)

muse: hk

when do i tell you

when you look into my eyes and my chest tightens in a good way
when you make me laugh with your signature Jamaican accent
when you give my hand a little squeeze out of the blue
when you hug me each time the every day we meet
when you peck me on the cheek for no reason at all
when you carress the small of my spine and kiss it
when you reach over to me after minutes of not touching
when you wrap me in your arms to sleep and kiss me randomly in the night
when you hold me against your naked skin after making sweet gentle love to me

when do i tell you
i love you?

fear of you

2005-10-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i think i need to talk with someone about something really important. but i cant seem to bring myself to do it cuz i don't know if i should, if i could, if i would. i don't even know what i want to say...except i need to get how i feel inside out to him. the fear i want to share with him is the same fear holding me back.

muse: hk

face to face is too confrontational
words get twisted in the telephone line
voice breaks in and out on the cell
writing a letter would be evidence of my emotions
meanings get lost in cyberspace
a middleman is just too much trouble

please excuse my excuses
i not only cannot face you
i cannot face my fear.

walk in the rain

2005-10-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

pre-text: rained all day today, as usual life hits me with something to learn. nature indeed reflects life.

muse: weather

take off your shoes and run free, dive into life
soaked to the skin and loving it, living in real time and not for later
laughing out loud, never apologizing for being you
ignoring wise words of the old, adamant that you are invincible
slipped and fell down and it hurt, never knew that you could slip up
feeling cold on the outside and burning on the inside, you learned your lesson now

grey skies ahead so carry an umbrella, always be prepared
open your umbrella, build up your defenses
stand under a shelter, stay in your comfort zone
avoid the puddles, stick to the sidewalk where you are safe
wear a couple more layers, and not white, keep yourself impenetrable to the world
stay indoors if you can, do not take risks or chances unless calculated

i want to walk barefoot like i did before
i want to squeal in excitement like i did before
i want to fall down and get up after crying for attention like i did before
i want to love without fear of being hurt
i want to chase dreams without waking up from nightmares
i want to live life without reservations

oh won't you come play with me in the rain?

asleep

2005-09-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

pre-text: always felt like that when i slept beside someone that i loved. its a feeling that i never could really capture, a mix of amazement and ...fear.

muse: hk and sda

carefully peel away all your layers,
emotions like masks remove them one by one
and strip down to your bare skin

you must be tired from dancing to the tune of life,
exhausted all outlets to be something for someone else
so retire into a world where only you matter

breathe in slowly, softly and oh so silently,
then exhale all the pentup frustrations within
your heart feels lighter already

just staring at you almost makes me cry
you are so beautiful,
so beautiful i shake to feel you

vulnerable and fragile,
i am afraid to shatter you
and the dreams that you are chasing

so i let you lie beside me
and fall asleep in your arms,
hoping you will watch me when you wake.

it really does not matter

2005-09-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

pre-text: death appears to have to exist to juxtapose (big word from jc days that i must be spelling wrongly) life. balance, and you yin- and- yang concept.

muse: pk and bambi and those who left before me.

in the end, it really does not matter.

all the annoying things that you do
all the mean and thoughtless words that you say
all the promises broken over and over again
all the lies you told, white or plain
all the calls you wanted to make and never did
all the things you held back because of your pride
all the finger pointing and blame shifting
all the small issues that you exagerrate

all of these unneccessary routines in life
it really does not matter, when you are dead.

fall 2005

2005-09-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

pre-text: for two significant beings in my life...who up and left...without giving me a chance to say a real goodbye.

muse: pk and bambi

Fall doesn’t come till late September
The leaves are still green
And the sun is shining in its brightest glory
One last stretch for the summer
But you left early.

Fall doesn’t come till late September
No tinge of yellow yet.
No crunching of dried up leaves.
And no last goodbye.
You left.

he came

2005-09-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

pre-text: seems like the last few poems are all about death. death literally and death metaphorically. death, dying...constantly happening around us. or me that for matter. i am almost numb from the pain, or loss. or maybe i am in denial...i don't know. detached might just be the word.

muse: bambi my baby

He came to you
Without invitation without warning
Did you want to go with him?
Were you forced? Or simply too tired to fight him?

The world is so very small but I am so far away from you
To touch you one last time
To whisper quietly all the things I have yet to say
To let my useless tears fall upon you

You left without saying goodbye
To me
You left without letting me say goodbye
To you

Am I angry? Yes
Am I regretting? Yes
Am I confused? Yes
And most of all, I am helpless.

He came
To relieve you of your pain
And to remind me to live my life
Before he comes for me.

dead in my life

2005-09-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written after a painful break up. thinking about the end of a r/s as a death...and losing my precious bambi...this one seems fit.

muse: jnp

it's been so long now
and i am still mourning the loss
of you

you died
in my life

no more laughs
only memories that hurt
no more tears
only tears of grief i cry
no more us together
only faded pictures to call my own
no more talking about our life as one
only shattered dreams
no
more "i love you forever"s
only my love forever

you died
in my life

except you are living
in your own life now
and
i still can't accept that
you died

in my life

loser

2005-09-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written a long while back...but it seems like this 'situation' still holds true. games are not all that fun when you lose. for those who play games with your partner, and end up losing both the game and your loved one.

muse: jnp

i let you go
then I wanted you back
you came back
and met me half way
I wanted it all, like before
Ping-Pong game

I called you but you did not pick up
I wrote but you never replied
I cried but you never cared
I apologized but you never forgave
Squash game

It has all along been about me
What I wanted, what I needed
I never wanted to play games with you
Cause I know I will lose
And I did

I lost you.

the irony of it all

2005-07-01T02:01:00.000-07:00

pre-text: random thoughts collected over time...or rather several weeks...presented in prose

muse: people around me, people i have come in contact with

parents didn't give you what you need
so you put your hand out
to ask for what you want
working out and eating healthy, looking good
all just to build a shrine of a better, more perfect you
to attract followers that will worship you
living in polluted cities, eating processed foods with all the bad stuff they tell you about
then rushing off to the pharmacy and popping the vitamins and minerals
hoping to balance your body chemicals
buying pretty clothes, expensive makeup, flashy jewellery
to hide the self you are afraid other won't accept
trying to fill that empty void within
eventually becoming the empty shell you swore you would never be
searching around still for "happy ever afters"
because that is your only fighting chance
against being too jaded for a young soul
the person in front of you right now is THE one
only until the next best thing comes along
then you wonder what you were thinking then
nitpicking at anything we can get our hands on
so that we can pre-empt our reactions when shit hits the fan
should just let nature take its course cuz it's going to happen anyway
telephone, fax, email, messenger services, text messenging, snail mail, video conferences and what not
but why are we not making ourselves any clearer
i need to see you face to face to hear what you truly mean
always reminding ourself that its the small things in life that matter
the inner beauty, true colors of a person
yet we judge the way he talks, the way she walks and the car he drives
the grass is always greener on the other side
until you look over the other fence and see another greener patch
and realise grass is green no matter where it is, why not stick to your own
get rid of the old thinking the new is better
but when the novelty of it all wears off
you wish that you stuck it out with the old
you tend to hurt the ones you love most
almost testing the intensity of their love and loyalty to you
cause you know that they will stand by you no matter what shit you pull
quick to criticize the media for brainwashing, loose morals, wrong information and every other social problem
is it not a reflection of society, no doubt sometimes exagerrated
there's no way to run away from it
wanting to be like someone else because they are all you ever wanted to be
losing what you were meant to be
and never even knowing that you lost something you never had
then again i am no one to tell you all these ironies of life
when i am part of the problem
and making no effort to solve them.

walk into the horizon

2005-06-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

pre-text: for someone who actively makes his dreams reality, his passion something tangible.

muse: sda

about a boy
who thought he became a man the night he turned twentyone
he knows what he knows
but he doesnt know what he doesnt know
push the boundaries of your life as you know it
out of this small town and into the world
walk into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack
meet new people engage in deep conversations
on politics, religion and this thing we call life
read books on philosophy
and apply them wholesale to his way of living
i am no one to criticise
but it does not seem wise to me
still go on and walk into the horizon
with passion for life burning strong in you
and if you have any left at the end of the day
write a song for me, a song about me
and sing it in a small obscure cafe
tapping your feet and swaying side to side
and write me a letter every few months
so i know you are still missing me
and yes go on walking into the horizon
with your sturdy guitar and dirty blue backpack

fall

2005-06-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

pre-text: the many ways you can fall.

muse: sda

fell in love with you
fell into a bed of roses together with you
fell out with you
fell out of the clouds
fell onto my knees
fell from your grace
fell into your bad books
fell apart into pieces
fell into solitary without you
and
now i am falling deeper and deeper
into this abyss of unknown

oh where are you now
did you not promise to catch me when i fall?

don't

2005-06-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i am mad at him for all i mentioned...yet i can't seem to let him go. ironic. pathetic.

muse: sda

don't call me a drama queen
just because i cry everytime i think of you
isn't life a continous soap opera?
don't call me weak and lacking in confidence
when you are the one ripping it
out from within me
don't tell me to live in the moment
and you go run away from reality
each time it slaps you in the face
don't tell me you love me
when your words are empty
and your actions...they don't even exist
don't preach your life philosophies to me
because they should only apply to you
and my life is way more intense than your simple simple life
don't reach around me and hold me close
let all my emotions come spilling out
and walk away like nothing happened
don't pretend you are making sweet passionate love to me
when we both know its dwindled down
into plain detached friendly fucking
don't pretend i am the best you will ever have
cause i am just the best you have right now
and someone better will come along

most importantly
don't come back to me
because i don't want you
but i will take you back anyway.

voices

2005-06-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

pre-text: been stuck in a rut for a long time, and have had friends tell me what i should do, what they think i should do...and of course i have 'significant' persons telling me things and then in the midst of it all, my little tiny voice within. all these just puts voices in my head!

muse: ironically, sda and all my friends who know abt the shit gg on with him

i heard what you said
or did i hear what i wanted
and interpreted what you said differently
when you meant something else
i grew accustomed to believing what you told me
good and bad, truth and lies
and now you are just playing with my mind

you care and you show it
constantly there, never pushing, just supporting
i cry, whine, bitch, scream and threaten to die
still you stand by me to remind me i am never really all alone
same old advice same old instructions
packaged in simplicity and vigourous exasperation
i've heard it all i've heard it all

florence, you are better than this you know it!
you are smart and beautiful (i am not! am i?)
you don't need a guy like him, there are better guys out there (where? where?)
you have to let go (but i love him!)
it is his loss, not yours ( but he is the one leaving me!)
fuck him fuck him and his bullshit his fucking lifestyle his fucking fucked-up attitude (yeah! fuck him!)
listen to yourself, florence, listen to yourself (yes, listen...)

shut up just shut up all of you
i cannot analyse your hidden meanings and ulterior motives
i cannot process your good-willed intentions
i cannot debate with the voices within me
i need everyone around me to keep really quiet
and let me deal with this on my own terms in my own time
but love me any way.

my father

2005-06-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i wrote this for my daddy last yr but i didnt have the guts to give it to him...so im sending it in the card that im mailing home for father's day this year. i hope he likes it.

muse: my daddy!!!! :)

my father
i call him daddy, papa at times
whichever gets me my way
people say i look like my father
i have his big talking eyes
his smile, that comes from the heart
even his malay-looking skin
we both tan way too easily

my father
he is the strong, silent type
does not talk nearly as much as me, hardly ever complains
he has his ways of doing things
his stubborn way of thinking
always giving, and never asking for anything in return
everything, he takes in his stride
his nag is not constant, yet amazingly powerful

my father
taught me always to do good
never to slam doors or tables, even when angry
money, he agrees, is meant to be spent
but only wisely
he dresses in his own fashion, which isn't all that bad
he shows me what it means to be yourself and not worry about others
other wise words he often tells me are:
self-discipline, moderation, focus, respect, and family

my father
leads by example
by doing what he has to do
and what he can do
he respects my granny and my aunts
and he volunteers at charitable organizations
he continues to work hard, even at 60 for us, for me
and he is always grateful for what he has
never feeling sorry or pity for himself

my father
and i have something special, something unspoken
we understand each other in someway
i have never heard him say sorry
neither have i heard him say i love you
i guess he has other variations of his own
like we care about you, we looked after you for so long
take care of yourself, don't go out too late
we are thinking of you, the dog misses you
but i know what he means underneath all that

my father
is the first man in my life life
and most probably the most important one too
it may not always seem like the case
but i guess that is the way it goes
my father
is not the wealthiest man or the most powerful one around
but to me
he is my pillar of strength and support, and my sheild
to me, my father is the world's greatest.

your voice your words

2005-06-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

pre-text: sometimes silence is really the best thing to do...when you have nothing 'good' to say to each other. i always miss his voice and i would want to hear it but after we talk, i feel lousier. it is because i hear what he has to say, what his plans are and they all only make me feel like shit. i rather deal with my own voices in my head than his voice on the fone and in my head.

muse: sda

i need to shut you up
shut your voice in my head in my life
you tell me all these things
you say you mean it you say you did not mean it you say you did not mean it that way
i cannot differentiate between your truth and lies your honesty and insincerity

all i hear is your words as they come right out of your mouth
it is so loud that that i cannot think
i cannot hear myself anymore
my life is already built around you
and now my mind is conquered too

i turn your words inside out outside in
analyse in from all angles
break it down letter by letter
consider tone and context
no space left to even seek my own perspective

i am totally exhausted with you
nothing for me to say because you have heard it all
know not what to convince you of
because we have no future together
and no common ground left

losing you now is no longer a big deal
because i have nothing else left to lose.

speed dating

2005-05-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

pre-text: 'love' in our generation

muse: jb

hello how are you
my name is Florence
shake my hand and yes, you can hold on to it
kiss me quick
passionate sighs and heavy breathing
your hands all over me and mine over you
now we are naked and vulnerable
and we become one in passion and desire
then reality hits us like a boomerang
what just happened, we ask
it is not a one night stand because i do like you
but guess what, we do not have any more time on our hands
no time to figure each other out
you head your way while i stumble along my way
you see, we only had time for our actions to speak for us.

a slap in the face

2005-05-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

pre-text: wrote this after i got slapped in the face by my dad. not something i am too proud of but it happened. and it happened when i was at this point in my life where i couldn't really care less for anything.

muse: daddy

a slap in the face
and not a drop of tear
the sudden swoop on my face stings
my ears, i hear them ring
but i almost welcome the numbing pain
gives me an excuse to cry a pouring rain
standing in front of you, i just don't know what to do
i can hear your boiling blood pumping through you
i feel breathless as you heave
you ask me the same old questions, i only want to leave
so i don't have another person to answer to
cause you and me makes two
i smoke and i drink and i swear
i push you to your limits as much as i dare
maybe i am just testing your patience and maybe your love
because i got fucked so bad, everything's a blur
can't find no answers to nothing, i turn to distractions
self aware of my ways of self destruction
i ride on the fleeting highs
in hope to counterbalance the lows in my mind
no it does not do me good in the long run
but it was never my goal to be a nun
i indulge in the vices whilst i long for something sturdy, steadfast and strong
something you have been offering me all along
yet i pull out and push you away
give up on me, that is all i can say
let me dwell in my bottomless hole, grapple with my issues
and fight my own demons because now i don't need you

selfish bitch

2005-05-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

pre-text: some version of obsessive love.now that i read it, it scares even me.

muse: sda

i pull you in so close to me
and it almost feels victorious
you make me feel so complete that I fall apart within
and I drag you down with me
you say we make each other weak
i say together we are strong
my hidden fears and insecurities act up and you feel bad for me and with me
your secret glorious past puts you on a pedestal so high i cannot reach
you and i do nothing but still hurt each other’s soft spots
but it is the very fact you hurt me this way that
i think i love you
you know why i hurt and how i hurt
and you try everything to make me feel secure
maybe i just want to remember you for all you are
to hold on how you make me feel when you are gone
yes i am a selfish and almost manipulative bitch
and i wonder how you can want me, or even love me
i suppose i want you to feel me with all my intensity
so you will not ever forget me, i want to be your only
special and great one

yes I am a selfish and manipulative bitch

nomad

2005-05-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written after self-realization that i am constantly leaving...people that i love, for short or long periods of time. esp. after i left sg for usa. guess it can apply to those who travel around...or leave their home country to find a 'second home' only to leave it again to go somewhere else...constantly on the move.

muse: me

A nomad
That is me
I come and go
And I say goodbye
It hurts to know nothing is forever anymore
That I cannot be with everyone at the same time
I don’t want to go
Leaving one place to go some other place
Only to leave again
I am not strong enough to keep on saying bye
Just when I am detached and cold
People warm up to me and touch my heart
And then it hurts me all over again
To say goodbye
It could be a “see you later”
But things will never be the same
Change, which is what this, is all about.
I can never deal with change.
I just want things to be like before.
I do not want to be a nomad.

only so much

2005-05-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

pre-text: built-up frustration of loving or caring about someone who doesn't appreciate the simple fact you are always around for them.

muse:( i'm sure it is some undeserving...) boy

you live your life
and fill me in once in a while
you chase your crazy dreams
and i bring out the pom-poms
you smile and laugh, you are happy
and i feel for you, with you
you cry and kick and scream
and i sit faithfully by you, being your silent strength

i try to make you see how i feel
and you just brush me aside
i give you my all and build my world around you
and you prance within, in your own bubble
i promise you i will always be yours
and you use me like a safety net
i offer you my love
and you patronize me sufficiently

only so much
only this much
i can give to you
and you do not even know

my needs

2005-05-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written during a dark time...putting someone above yourself ALL the time can honestly drain you dry of life.

muse: sda
i am empty inside now
given you all that i have and all that i haven't got
part of me wishes there was more that i could offer
but part of me knows that you ain't worth it
it is not because i no longer love you
i love you i really do
but i have to stop now and put my needs before yours
you are used to my unconditional giving and loving
so much that you expect it from me unconsciously
and this is not what i want
i am only human and i am selfish
i want to feel the way i make you feel
that you can count me to be around, to be dependent on me
to know the love i have for you is constant and true
i want to feel that way
but you aren't doing it for me, not anymore
so i got to go
i rather be alone and open to happiness
than shut in a world of weakness with you

a hug

2005-05-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

pre-text: don't remember who or why i wrote it for. but i like it nevertheless!

muse: someone that i've hugged

a hug
is not like a kiss
not at all invasive
a hug
is not like sex
not always intimate

a hug
breaks down barriers of space and feelings
a hug
speaks for itself
a hug says
i am your friend
a hug says
i have you and you have me
a hug says
you can cry on my shoulder
a hug says
you can let it all out, but i am not letting you go
a hug says
i am here, i will always be here
a hug says
i embrace you for you, all of you
a hug says
feel my energy flow from me to you
a hug says
i may not be be able to protect you always, but i will still try
a hug says
i see past all of you and i still love you

and right now
all i need is such
a hug

fairy tales

2005-05-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

pre-text: met my friend of 10, 11 years...and we reminisced about the good ol' days. he reminded me of things i've forgotten about..things that made me laugh then and now.

muse: ac

silly catching games and name-callings
weightless laughs and free flowing tears
simple thinking and petty quarrels
friendships though seemingly fickle, stood the test of time
fairytales provided a rough map of our life

then we grew
in height and weight
in mind and body
we grew up

now we play games of all sorts
the game of life and love
where winning is everything and losing hurts
names we call people are no longer for fun
laughs are heavy with past baggage
executed with care and caution
tears come more easily now
thinking and rationale and logic and mindset and perspective
complicated and twisted and less clean than before
friendships forged now are indeed fickle

looking for directions in life
we look at the map we have
and realised they sold us lives we can never have
but we were children then, you see.

nobody's dreamgirl

2005-05-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

pre-text: got to be one of my personal favorites, only maybe because i still feel like that...sometimes. okay okay, most of the time. written when i was a teenage girl, guess old issues never go away eh?

muse: myself and the other girls around me

doe-eyed, long silky hair
wears skirts, dresses
baby dresses
soft-spoken, shy and coy
innocent, demure, sweet
can cook, and maybe sew
giggles, with dimples
simple and loyal
does well in school, has a well-planned future
never drinks or smokes
virgin, never goes all the way
skinny waist, flawless skin
fair, shoulder bone protruding
tiny hands,tiny feet
smells good 24/7
plays the piano or netball or dance ballet
next door neighbour
good enough for mummy's little boy

and then there is
me

Bad complexion, limp fine hair
wears jeans, skimply little tops
anything revealing
too lazy to put on makeup
way too loud and obnoxious
sit with my legs open
like my mind
direct, curt and vulgar
drinks to get drunk
smokes to vent or get high or to be cool or spiteful
i holler when i laugh
complicated, too many self-inflicted issues
big feet in need of pedicure
ugly hands, bitten fingernails
slacks through school, constantly searching for a dream or future
don't do sports or music or arts
fat in all the wrong places
hangs out with too many boys
sex is just another activity now
not bad enough to be a bad girl

and that is me
nobody's dreamgirl

burn

2005-05-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i felt angry inside with someone, for claiming to care about me and doing things that made me upset. one of life's many ironies i suppose.

muse: (i think it was...) jcjw

u make me burn inside
with every single thing you say or do
a concoction of anger and jealousy and disgust
consciously or not
you add fuel to the fire within me
each raging emotion scalds me
i erupt and blow up in your face
blow things out of proportion
blow whatever we got going on
and the eerie silence follows
you and i rush to put out the fire in me
stamp it dead wash it out wrap it up
in desperate consolation and semi-sincere apologies

but in actual fact i can extinguish the fire on my own
the very burning sensation that causes pain
now stimulates tears that nourish the growth of scars

a****

2005-05-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i met this friend of mine after almost 10 years...he's all grown up and 'made something of himself' but i still see him as the boy i knew when i was 12.

muse: ac

what has it been?
almost a decade or so
and you tell me you never knew me
i just keep quiet
to me, you are still the boy i once knew
the very first boy i ever liked, and maybe loved
puppy love, is that what they call it?
you have grown up to be a fine young man now
but i still see the kid in you
your face barely changed
you are almost an instinct within me
i cannot just axe you out of my life
you come naturally to me
funny how we never had a picture together
nothing at all to document our relationship
if you want to call what we had that
faded vague memories and nostalgic laughs
are the only things we share
guess we have own lives now
own baggages that weigh us down
seeing you reminds me of the good old times
when we put our all and never thought to hold back
and life was simple and clean
constant is change yet some things never change
and they are a very few selected things
inside i feel somewhat the same, for you
but im wise enough to know the feeling is not mutual
we really grew up, you see.

eyes of green

2005-05-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i looked so hard into someone's eyes to notice this.

muse: sda

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i look into your eyes and
i get lost in you
all of you

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i feel safe and vulnerable
all at the same time
when i look into your eyes

your eyes of green
ocean green with depths of black
and a slight tinge of cat yellow
i look into your eyes
i feel all of you in me and i cry
then i cannot see your eyes of green anymore

b***

2005-05-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written for this aussie boy i met in sg for a brief period of time. nothing deep but it still meant something.

muse: b

i felt you the moment i saw you
you are so free and burdenless
all that i used to be
i let myself go in your presence and find myself again
you hold me close and i inhale all of you
then i smell of you and that keeps me going
when im not around you
i think we both know we only have now
and that is probably all we will ever have
no deep talk of shit, just plain indulgence in the moment
you show me what it is to not question
happiness or passion
to grab whatever is offered and savor it
i know i am going to miss you like fuck
this intense yet simple relationship
is something i will hold onto for a long time.

wave after wave

2005-05-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

pre-text: this quote "expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr" inspired this. someone was flaunting his happiness in front of me and i got pissed.

muse: jcjw

i hate to see your mouth move
and hear the words that you spit out
so freely so blatantly
direct and sharp to my face
through my heart and into my soul

one word answers i give
you come back wave after wave
i take it all in stride
and act all happy
a puppet for your manipulation

if you want your happiness with her
why bother to share your bitterness with me
bad shit happens to good people its true
i give u all i have it is not good enough
you come back

wave after wave

i understand

2005-05-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i think i wrote this for someone..and now that i think about, it can apply to people i have loved.

muse:all i have loved, boys and friends.

excuses and issues, history and sob stories, and reasons
you name it all
to justify your actions and convince yourself it is alright
make yourself feel a little better
and that you have every right to be the way you are

then there is me
i accept all that you give to me
your good and all your bad
i take it all in my stride
and tell you that i understand

i know where you are coming from, where you have been
i know how confused you are but you pretend you are in control
i know your actions and your words do not always mean the same thing
i know i can only do so much for you
i know i understand but i can never empathise with you

the bible says love is patient and love never ends
i love you and i am patient with you and i love you to no ends
but this is not about me it is about you
go on doing what you do i will go on loving you
but i will never feel with you

stuck

2005-05-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

pre-text: yet another creation of my "dry" season

muse: people that bugged me when i was feeling already ugh inside

the candle's blown out before the wax has even melted
i sit alone again in my space
questions swirling all around in my head again
like dust particles that never settle, they drift about
never can make anyone or everyone happy
so i lived in my skin and maybe then i could smile
one by one they came and one by one they left
too much for one too little for the other
what is there left within for myself
nothing is ever enough
my love my tears my efforts my everything
i give and give and you just take and take
and we both still end up dissatisfied
maybe I need someone to focus on
or someone to pull my strings, be their puppet
do not want to go on slamming myself
have to point the finger of blame away from me
only defeat with every single thing i do or do not do
know not what else to do
hope is symptom of despair
i will live in my skin, i will rock my body in solitude
I will sit alone again in my space
let someone come to me instead for a change
then the candle may burn longer, or at least brighter.

photos

2005-05-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i was clearing through photos one day, and some of them brought on good memories. in fact, all of them did. but they were only in those moments. reality captured then and the one that we are experiencing at the moment may not always coincide.

muse: pictures of friends and family

thrashed in some box or
hidden in some obscurity
photos lie patiently
to be picked up and given attention
tears may drop
fingers rubbing hard against the colored paper
as if hoping for magic to happen
to bring life to memory
smiles captured living in the moment
relationships once before now broken
places changed like people
friends grew up and apart
childhood pets dead and living now in heaven
feelings fizzled
photos: physical embodiment of memories
embrace the time gone by
with a smile, be it nostalgic
and still
a tear may drop.

look at me

2005-05-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i wrote this on my 21st birthday.

muse: myself

Look at me mummy, I am a woman now
Look at me daddy, I am not your little girl anymore
Look at me world, I am an adult.
Look at me.

Appear to be something I am not
Still trying to be who I want to be
Not knowing how to get there
Unsure of what I am now
Pretending to have some degree of control

Look at me for who I am
Look at me, look at who I was
Look at me for who I will become
Look at me.

layered

2005-05-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written when i was getting to know someone, and falling in love with him. in not so favourable conditions

muse: sda

every time I think I got you all figured out
you spin another layer around yourself
and I am back at square one
wondering if this is going to be a lose-lose situation
why should I bother if I will never ever win
i understand that you are you, your own person
that is what I love about you
all those issues that you hide, all those feelings that I dig up from you
can I just accept you for what you have to offer me
at the expense of my ultimate happiness
sometimes I think I can, then I think deeper and darker
and push all your buttons and force you out of your limits and over the edge
i shoot myself in the foot and then bitch about getting nowhere
maybe if i should give it some time, but time is a luxury that we both cannot afford
i think i should let you unravel yourself to me when you deem fit
and all i can do now is embrace you for your true self and your layers.

drunk

2005-05-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written during my "dry" season, after many nights of drinking...this must have churned out with my hangover hanging over in my head.

muse: too drunk then to rem

i never cry when im drunk
i get happy
but last night, i just fell apart
all these questions that i will never find answers to
answers that i need from you
i am giving up on that already
i have turned to demanding explanations
from people around me, friends who have not deserted me
at least they can offer some form of reason
or some comfort or solace
i am that desperate right about now
i take whatever anyone has to offer
i get whatever life throws in my face
i know that no matter how far in life i go, how far away i am
i will always have this void within me, forever empty
and i guess i will have to deal with it

i cried last night when i was drunk
i will try to get happy
again

familiar stranger

2005-05-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

pre-text: written a while back for someone i got to know online

muse: tbv

you leave me lower and lower each time
deserting someone should be a crime
no one drives me like you do
at times i feel you know me through and through
then you twirl the frays in my mind
like the mute directing the blind
we are headed nowhere, just circles round and round
i reach such a high with you, and it is you who bring me down
mind games are part of the conspiracy
you triumph over me, for you it is easy
gave up trying to figure you out
i never find any answers or reason or explanation, just create more doubts
giving of oneself is exalted
but i do not know what to give to you, i am faulted
i have not seen you face to face
you run your own race, and I find my own way out of the maze
\suppose all that i can want from you is to be constant
since between us, there will always be some form of distance
do not ask anything of me, i will not expect anything from you
just come to me as you are, that is all you have to do
i embrace you for whatever you give
maybe one day, you might stay and not leave.

where

2005-05-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

pre-text: just a question i have been asking for some time now.

muse: sda

where are you
the you i used to know and fell in love with
where am i
the me you used to love

Call the Man by ShunDeng

2005-05-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

NOTE: He ripped from me, so I am ripping from him! (He even ripped my signature "pre-text" and "muse") Well, I am pretty impressed with his writing!

pre-text: You know.. Everytime an appliance breaks down, or the electrical box has a problem.. We just sae," Call the man lar", very dismissively... But when a friendship, a relationship, a love breaks down... Don't we wish could just say the same? "Call the man lar"..

muse: Everyone... who is had, or is having problems.. with frens, spouses, gf/bf...

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees
I close my eyes
I remember
When your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care

Call the man
He's needed here
Needed in the chaos and confusion
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall
Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine

Now the future isn't clear

Call the man
He's needed here

i want someone

2005-05-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

pre-text: just a wish-list of what i want in a bf. i want all of that, yet i want him still. greedy greedy me.

muse: sda

i want someone:

who will answer the phone after two rings
who will talk to me late into the night and still call me the minute he wakes up in the morning
who will kiss me even though he is just walking down the hall
who will hold me when i feel cold inside and outside
who will let me clean my nose on his sleeve after i am done crying on his shoulder
who will put me first, or at least before him
who will think of me when he sees something he knows i will like
who will thank me for loving him unconditionally
who will not take me for granted, assuming i will always be around
who will call just to tell me he is thinking about me
who will go out of his way to surprise me
who will overlook my flaws and embrace my strengths
who will understand my issues and insecurities and love me anyway
who will say things honestly and truthfully to me...but with utmost sensitivity
who will carry me when my spririt's tired of what this world has to offer
who will hug me from the back to surprise me, and make me feel loved
who will work as hard as i do to keep things going
who will always be around for me, no matter what

i want someone like that
but at the end of it all
i want you.

brick

2005-05-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i really reached the stage of "bo wei kong".to have someone that you are so loyal to, someone you offer only your best to...question your sincerity and love truly hurts. now it's hard for me to do anything for him without wondering if he would doubt my intentions. sigh.

muse: sda

removed the bricks one by one
layer after layer i peeled away
exposing the real honest me inside
thinking you would love me anyway
instead you take jabs at my naked self
and expect me to stand there with no defenses
beg me not to put the bricks up and wall you out
you question my love you question my intentions
you doubt the element of me
can't you see by now that all i've given you, all i've offered to you
is simply me
what am i to do now?
the bricks are going back up again
this time to wall myself in.

i think i love you

2005-04-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

pre-text: one of my older poems...written when me and sda just started going out. reading it now, i still feel the butterflies fluttering in my tummy!

muse: sda

you said i love you
then you said no, i like you i like you

you said i love your kisses, i love you
then i was silent

you said i love you
and i was silent

you said i think i do
and then i said
i think i do too.

trapped in myself

2005-04-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

pre-text: sudden pang of worthlessness hit me. ( i think this feeling's always been ard, just that i ignore it or block it and it comes and hits me in my head on a fairly regular basis). i didnt go looking ard to talk to anyone but sda called and we talked. i felt a lil better but i still know i need to look within myself to feel good abt myself and my life.

muse: sda (got to give him some credit...)

thoughts run zigzag all over my mind
creating a maze that i cannot find my way out of
i go around a corner and another wall springs out
like random fancy philosophy
that is used to make satisfactory sense of the un-understood

my eyes are wide open but completely blind
i listen to voices within and outside of me
turn left turn right do this do that
each wall i feel seems strangely familiar
yet different and refreshing in a sick sick way

follow your gut follow what is inside
i can not do that
this is reflexive this is self-consuming
flaws and strengths blended into one
the hero in this story is the victim

and that is me.

give

2005-04-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

pre-text: realised that there is a limited number of times you can not give up on something...u reach that point where you realise you have no other choice but to do that...and you console yourself and call it "letting go". ive given up on not giving up anymore.

muse: sda

give a little bit give a little bit more
give until you have nothing left
then give some more
eventually you give in and

give up.

The Sorry Stranger by Paul McCann

2005-04-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

pre-text: i was just surfing online for poems, trying to get my mind of s...and this came up. i feel like it's perfect...how it describes i feel towards him.

muse: sda

If I could turn back time or take back what I said,
I would.
I'm sorry for being unkind.

The regret I have of loving you
Is that I hurt you.
Now we are strangers in our time.

Although they say out of sight and out of mind,
I will always remember when you were mine.

our truth

2005-04-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

pre-text: been thinking a lot abt sda and me and what happened or did not happen, what could have been done and what would have happen if...basically, WHAT....????

muse: sda

strings upon strings of thoughts
tangle up inside my head
every second every minute I pick at them
trying to gather some sense some reason some explanation
of how things ended up like this
acts and scenes I replay, adding new twists and turns
seeing if i can find our happy ending
same old sob story to the same old few
them too tired to listen, me too tired to repeat
again and again and again
should i throw out this convulated mess of truths
and never find out what we did wrong
or sit and dwell and maybe never find anything anyway
i miss you
and how we never had to sugarcoat
our words, our thoughts, our feelings
presenting them in the essence of their core
then they began to hurt us
and we became more careful, more guarded
leading us to where we are now
seems like the very thing that brought us together
has now driven us apart

i exist

2005-04-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i was sitting at baird point in ub on a sunny wednesday afternoon. it was so beautiful out...i was with thousands of students and i was alone all at the same time.

muse: the weather?

i sit and squint
smile to myself and go 'hmmmmmmm.............'
the sun caresses my face like a long lost lover
the wind and warmth against my skin, i turn toward the sun
just like a girl who longs to be touched
in a distance i hear rubber tires spinning over hard tar
reminding me of modern technology bringing us to places we want to go, in life
around me and overheard, birds are chirping, squabbling
in a language i know not of
somehow they remind me
to rejoice in simple existence
to enjoy living, to enjoy this moment in time
no need for waned company
no need for cameras to capture moments or memories
this feeling within can only be experienced, lived and cherished
a million postcard-perfect shots of this sky, the lake can never
recreate the wind against my skin, the sunshine on my face
i do not need anyone, or any deep philosophical thoughts
just knowing i exist, that i am me in this vast world
makes me content.

do not bother

2005-03-31T01:15:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written out of frustration when someone tries to suck up to you when you have already got used to/given up/ got fed up expecting things/feelings from people. you just reach this point where you wanna tell them ' please don't bother now. it makes me sick and disgusted to see how pathetic you look trying to do anything. too late buddy!'

muse: sda and others in the past for sure

do not bother to make me happy anymore
don't buy flowers,
or don't make surprise middle-of-the-day i-am-thinking-of-you phone calls
don't send love letters or postcards
or buy or even make gifts

no need to prove to me that you care about me and how i feel
(or maybe now you come to realise that i do mean something more to you than you thought i did)
it is not too little too late, it is over

the times when you said i was too sensitive, too demanding
too this too that
fuck you and all your bullshit
take that load of crap with you and get the fuck out of my life
you dwindle me down so small so you can get your way
no way am i going to deal with your hidden insecurities and fears anymore
your happiness at my expense is too much of a self-sacrifice for me

i do not expect anything ever from you
try to surprise me, i challenge you
just don't make me vomit in my mouth when i see you fail what something you try at
let this be a lesson to you:
never take me for granted

hero

2005-03-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

pre-text: felt like i was living my life for someone else...the sacrificial aspect kinda wore out...the flesh is wanting and the spirit is weak.

muse: sda

look for another hero
because i can't be the one you want me to be
i am just like you, maybe just a little more
naive and a hopeless romantic
done all, done more. said all said more
time for nothing
nothing left inside me to give you, nothing left within me
nothing left for us to save , as we slowly dissolve into nothingness
both too tired, both only willing to give one thing:
give up
compromise is now abstract
you, you won't give up any part of you for me, for us
i, i gave up all of me for you, for us
we end up losing what we got, and each other
you may cry a little, reminicise a little
and you go on with your life
someday you'll think of me and miss me and
still think you made the rigt decision
and someday i'll think of you
and smile, with a quivering lower lip.

interesting words

2005-03-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i went to a poetry slam in oneonta with s, and one of the guys said this. short and sweet. makes you go...'hmm...'

muse: erm...guy from osc poetry slam team (after all, these are his words, not mine!)

live for the moment,

die for the occasion.

lies and truths: they hurt

2005-03-14T02:29:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written after i found out i was lied to by someone...to think all along i felt guilty and fucked up because i thought i messed things up. my truth was his lie.

muse: jnp

Sick and tired of listening to lies
Every single word you said
Mere lies
I refuse to demand the truth from you anymore
I trust too easy
I give too much
I expect too much
And now my hurt is too deep
To ever believe in anything anymore
I do not even want to blame you
For anything you said or did
Or the everything you did not say or do
I guess it is okay
I have learnt today
That lies and truths
It does not matter which it is
They all hurt just the same

empty

2005-03-14T01:12:00.000-08:00

pre-text: another product of my 'dry' season...

muse: jnp and other passerbys in my life

the hole has been growing bigger
with each single day
with each single blow from you
and you
and you

my tears no longer have meaning
my eyes beg not to cry anymore
my heart is tired
of beating
of aching
of hurting
of breaking

i try not to think of you of us
i try not to listen to songs that were ours
i try not to miss you
and that just makes it all gush
out of the hole
into open space of nothing

and like the nothingness that all my feelings and thoughts have become
i have become empty and null within

switch off my soul

2005-03-14T00:49:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written during my 'dry' season...the use of 'dry' is highly ironic here because i was on an emotional drought and an alcoholic flood within my bodily system..hahaha...

muse: no one in particular

change the weather
drain the ocean
melt the moon
turn off the sun
shuffle the seasons
count the sand
juggle the stars
convert the pope
sprint the walk
mute the music
glorify the sinners
lock up the keys
tarnish the laws
peirce the holes
darken the smile
wind the time
live the future
eat the thirst
laugh the sobs
beat the heart
grow the love
twist the psyche
lick the pain
crush the shattered
grope the feelings
dream the reality
end the eternity
question the answers
fuel the tears
fuck the sex

and when you are with that
remember to
switch off my soul

moving stationary

2005-03-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

pre-text: had this nagging feeling within me for weeks...never knew how to put it into words. then it jumped right out at me when i was doing a reading for a class...funny how life gives u little signals...that u usually can't miss

muse: sda ( i guess he's the catalyst )

going around in circles
feeling the walls of an ever-changing maze
jumping through hoop after hoop
reaching for higher and higher
and still i am stuck in the same place

i thought i knew the way out of there
to try harder than i could
to give more than i had
to sacrifice more than i would
and still i never got anywhere

now i realise even all that i am not
will not ever be good enough for you
yet i will keep on going at it
until the point of no return
where i lose myself totally

there is bittersweet comfort in
doing something for the sake of doing it
knowing full well nothing is going to change
stuck like a mouse on an excercise wheel
i am moving stationary

bury me please

2005-03-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

pre-text: clearly feeling very sucidal then..at least within. i felt dead inside...and wished someone could just do me the favor of ending my misery.

muse: jnp

I see myself sitting here
I feel the blood running through every inch of me
The plaque latching to the walls
Refusing to let go
Building and building and killing and killing me
Slowly, oh so slowly

I want so bad to be near you
To smell you and breathe in your breath
Does not matter now or any more
What happened
Grown out of me grown out of us
You could care less if I lived or die
But I do not die for you
I do not want to die for you
You don’t care why should you care
Why should I die for you

I always thought loving you would be forever
And it is I just never knew that it did not matter
Forever or not
Move on move on suck it up and move on with your life
I am I am
I am dragging my battered self across time
I am sprawled all over
My guts are spilled out

I do not show it
Does not mean I do not think of you
About me
And how I fucked you up bad
No one knows how fucking hard it is
How fucking disgusted I feel
How I want to rip out every piece of flesh in my body
And feed it to the animals

If I could I would just die
I am not a loser like they say
I am a winner
I just do not want to live a lie
Telling myself it will be all okay someday
I believe in complete truth

It is not your fault at all
I know you won’t think it’s your fault
It’s all my own doing
I dug my grave
Ever since the day I was born
You are just the lucky one that didn’t get pulled down with me
Now I just lie here
Waiting for someone kind enough to throw the first handful of soil
Bury me please

away from myself

2005-03-01T01:35:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i have never felt this all-over-the-place feeling before...its not the typical confused/disoriented/mellow/nostalgic bullshit we feel from time to time. i can't seem to describe it in words, it just makes me feel like screaming and crying and laughing and needy ALL at the same time

muse: myself with contributions from people in my life, past and present

i need to get out of here
out of my skin out of this reality
disgusted by my very own sickened insides
sick and tired of feeling and thinking
and expressing it out loud
to have this shit i know so well bounce off you and unto me again
or have you analyze from your perspective and reintroduce it to me
no more deep thinking and unfinished last cries
done with being cynical, skeptical and jaded ( and any other word that describes
absolute hopelessness )
it has gotten old this idea of passion and never giving up on anything or anyone
been squeezing life out of the core of my dead being
till the emptiness is now nothing
ought to get away from you and the me that i am when i am with you
have to find the me i gave up for you
being alone is no longer any comfort
have to tear what is left of the me I used to know apart from the self i am now
so i will no longer self-destruct
i need to save myself because you won’t.

vicious cycle of love

2005-03-01T00:25:00.000-08:00

pre-text: the clarity tt came after the most intense fight i've been in...tt love with its best intentions can hurt both the person you love and your own self.

muse: sda

we both are confused and we both don’t know
what we want for ourselves what we want from each other
i love you with the core of my being and i cannot let you go
but i end up suffocating you with this passionate love of mine
and forcing you to reciprocate the same affection
i deserve to be loved the way you are loved by me
with the same complete devotion of body and soul
but you offer me less and less each time
still i love you more and more
pretenses i put up and smiles i fake
all to give you that buzz within
why do i do this for you why do i do this to myself
maybe my purpose in your life is to show you
that love can be this embracing
so that you may find someone worthy enough of your love
and i go on making my way to find someone in need of my love
then you will truly know that my love for you is purely unconditional.

promiser

2005-02-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

pre-text: love-hate r/s. you know how love someone so much yet at the same time you hate their guts to the very core of their existence..

muse: i don't remember now but i think 'undeserving asshole/s' may be appropriate.

u promise me u cross your heart and swear on your life
all because you want me to remind you when you fall
you just need someone to believe in you
when you doubt your very own self
make use of me take advantage of me
why don't you?
i am your willing sacrifical victim

saying one thing and doing another
u do not see your actions deafen me
i can no longer hear you your lies and your truths
heard those lies before yet the truth still hurts
the pain and anger have mellowed they brew quietly within
i know you inside out and outside in
but i still love you and want you more

you and me are one, selfish shameless creatures
we just excecute our schemes in different manner
you are disgusted by me and almost hate me
because i am your inner desires and fears
that you are too scared to be the person you really are
i think you ought to love me because you know inside you do
i am what you love and hate in living flesh

so right now go on living your life as a lie
make promises you can keep and feel honorable
be the person you want others to think you are if that makes you happy
come to me for a happier time i will blow your mind
you can be your true dirty honest self with me i will embrace you
i promise you that you know i will deliver
because i am not like you.

me

2005-02-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written in my junior college years...my lit teacher mr dennis yeo told us to rewrite jewel's 'me' poem...and this is what i came up with. talks about how i felt then...and i guess i still feel like very much like that.

muse: self (i suppose)

I have hair
Very fine indeed
That I got from my mother
I have my father’s smile
And when I smile, I show my teeth
I have brown eyes, I was told
And often a runny nose
I like the smell of paint
My past loves brought me pain
I’ve wanted to marry a pilot
I’ve always lied to my parents
But my hair is still fine
And my nose continues to run
And I’ll probably lie to my parents
And never marry a pilot

I have thoughts
That I don’t
I read magazines from the back
Often than not, I don’t give a fuck
I have big knuckles
I laugh too
With a cuckle
I wanted to diet
And never got to it
I cry at night
I don’t know why
But I still have big knuckles
And try to diet
And still cry
All alone at night

sunday

2005-02-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

pre-text: i was lying in bed one lazy sunday afternoon, back in sunny singapore. and i just felt so sunny inside! so i decided to write an ode to the sun/sunnyness. :P

muse: sunday

sunday
i know why they call it
sunday

sunday
is a beautiful day
sun-day
two words that mean one same thing

on sunday
the sun shines especially different
it crawls out in the morning, lazier than ever
and hangs up in the sky, faithful as ever

on sunday
the sun shines with a peculiar intensity
makes you wish you were at the beach
whilst you are lazing at home, but contented

on sunday
the sun rays are what colors your daydreams
heats up the passion within you
and smothers you with nurturing life energy

on sunday
the sun smiles on you
and tells you you made it through the week
and it'll see you soon, next sunday

sunday
i know why we call it
sun-day.

fighting

2005-02-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

pre-text: written after an entire day of physical and emotional fighting.

muse: sda

hours after hours of fighting, we surrender ourselves to exhaustion
forgetting what actually caused this chaos and commotion
we take turns to point the finger of blame
shout, scream, yell and call each other names
so many times this has happened
and so many times our relationship has ended
still we cling onto whatever's left
cause we think we love each other to death
the same old problems, the usual conclusion
we apply new rules and regulations, new terms and conditions
and hope we make it this time
sometimes i think you aren't meant to be mine
i want to let you go and be happy on your own
yet i want to be the best lover you've ever known

i limbo between holding onto you, letting all i feel inside show
and loving you and letting you go
i wish i knew the best choice
if only if my actions were as loud as my voice
i would find the courage to do
what's best for me and you.

letter to you

2005-02-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

pre-text: this is almost similar to my 'i write poems'...i guess i am that boring and rigid. hah! i came up with this when i was contemplating if i should call or write to this someone i had to get thru to. in the end, i wrote out what i would have sent out in the mail...and said it out loud. best of both worlds i guess! :)

muse: sda (for the privacy of the individual, only initials are used)

i write letters
i write a letter to you
because what i say always comes out wrong
my inner voice says one thing
and i hear something different come out of my mouth

i write letters
because i can see my thoughts on paper
review them and make sure they confer
i want what i feel and think inside
be expressed exactly the way it is

I write letters
because words get held back by my pride
maybe I am a little shy
or maybe I am just scared
usually because they come out too quick

i write letters
because i get sidetracked talking to you
by you, by my random spurts of emotions, by my tears
i have all these things racing in my mind
and i want to share them with you

i write letters
so my word is in writing
so i don't know the expressions and reactions you have when you read it
i write you a letter
so you can keep it and think of me.

i write poems.

2005-01-31T20:10:00.000-08:00

i write poems for you, for people who touched me somehow.
and maybe you can relate to them, maybe you cannot.
but i write poems only for you, and sometimes for me.
so that when you are gone, i will always remember how you made me feel.

disclaimer

2005-01-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

these are just some ramblings that i have churned out over the last twenty odd years that i have been alive on this earth.
some of them were written when i was high on life, some or rather most of them were written when i was wishing i could drop dead and die, some of them were written for people that meant or still mean something to me, some of them were written out of boredom. and some of them were just written because.

actually
i never thought to share my poems, always priding them as my secret outlet to vent my emotions, feelings that need to get out but not directed to the particular person or muse. but i figured that writers write not so much as to influence the way people think, but to provoke something within readers and allow the reader to create their own experience.
i suppose that is what i am trying to do here.